A divine image

Cruelty has a human heart,
And Jealousy a human face;
Terror the human form divine,
And secrecy the human dress.

-william blake

 

I think I’m driving myself crazy. No one understands, not even me. Not that they should, but I mean, shouldn’t they? Or me? Things happen, people change, everything changes. Or said Benjamin Button, but no, not everything said Daisy. Some things don’t change. Generalizations, they don’t really work. Not all of the time. See, there? Chin up old chap, everything happens for a reason. I feel so far from where I’ve been. Oh Ms. Michelle it’s so true. Am I nearly there? Or just lost. The latter is the former in the same sense that you are mine and I am yours. No? (Told you so.)

On another note, I got a blackberry and I’m officially in love. Today is my first day of school, and as I ran last night I think the reality of what is to come finally smacked me in the face. Overwhelmed where I was once underwhelmed and the words of a wise few stay with me, even if they don’t. 

I miss the water. As I knew I would. Homesickness is riding in, a good image, here: http://www.weather.com/outlook/photo/read/weather/F9179D16-7807-441C-8F2D-DA1ED08FC46D?from=hp_dwp

 

Now it’s back to the reliance interest in contract damage. I wanted this, really I did.

Last day of freedom.

Tomorrow it begins.

lightning bugs.

What a week. Whirlwind if I can even call it that. I’m feeling a bit like that feather from good old Forrest Gump, wherein I’m literally just floating through time.

On my drive (well, Dad’s drive, really) up to the “district” at about two in the morning I was fast asleep. (As much as one can be whilst sitting upright in the front seat of a u-haul). We were chugging up I-95 when suddenly I awoke and happened to hear a certain song that will probably forever serve as a very strong memory trigger. Then, I looked out the window to see that we were just passing the Raleigh/Durham area. I think that at least for me personally moments like these make me absolutely certain that there is no denying the connection in moments such as that between the serendipity in life.

I’m really good at turning off certain channels in life so as to more easily move throughout my normal day. Usually.

For the first time ever, I spent an evening looking out upon a skyline brightly lit with buildings and monuments, and testaments to the human spirit to build and grow and accomplish. Cities, I realized, can be and truly are some of the most beautiful aspects of the human contribution to the world. In certain respects, as is true with any type of beauty. Well, except for the likes of Penelope Cruz, that sort of beauty does not seem to have boundaries.
I digress.
It was, though, a lovely evening reminding me that there are places and things so beyond the scope of anything I’ve ever known, and perhaps ever will know. Ensuring me that there is much more out there. Well, here actually. Those things for which I am grasping are here. For the most part.

Tonight someone made fun of me saying ya’ll. Hmph.

A year is a long time. Missing thinking wishing listening dreaming but trying walking running laughing smiling living. Trying.

Not sure I’ll ever truly get used to the sirens…

salmon. it’s a fish.

No, I don’t think so. Not necessarily, at least. I just finished Outliers: The Story of Success and now I do believe with every fiber of my being that some things just turn out better for some, while for others they don’t. Of course, the individual drive and determination for whatever goal being sought is a necessary, but not sufficient condition for the outcome to be satisfactory. We are a product of our own drive added to (or multiplied by) the circumstances which surround us. You cannot count on the alleged ‘fact’ that everything works out. Sometimes, it just doesn’t. But what do I know anyway? Right? I can hear your words and I don’t like them, so I continue deftly on into my world. Someone said it was better this way. Sometimes things just don’t work retroactively, though; there’s an expiration date on nearly everything. 

Anyway, today I volunteered for an organization providing food for people (and their families) who have been diagnosed HIV positive. Apparently my new home has the highest percentage of HIV positive people in the United States (and many Western African countries). I guess my I-75 anti-abortion billboards have been replaced by AIDS awareness ones. 

Inglorious Basterds tonight. I’m probably one of the most annoying people to watch a movie with. There’s always the strong chance that I’ll fall asleep (which is exponentially increased for every hour past nine that the movie runs) but that’s not even the worst of it. I’m ‘that girl’ who shudders, gasps, jumps with fright, and searches for emotional comfort during the scenes involving heightened stress and/or sadness. Blech. So annoying. 

2 days till Mom/Dad’s 28th anniversary. Holy Moly.

Hello new world. 

Moved in. Unpacked? Well, not quite.

terrible angel

She followed slowly, taking a long time,
as though there were some obstacle in the way;
and yet: as though, once it was overcome,
she would be beyond all walking, and would fly.
-”Going Blind” Rainer Maria Rilke

i see the sun up ahead.

Anxiety taking over though, for now.

I’m a pack rat. Got myself to throw out two full garbage cans filled with junk and it took forever. Why have I kept all of the papers I have written since high school? Why did I still have notes/assignments from almost every major-related class from college? I have an unnatural fondness for things, mementos from lives past. I don’t know why I cling, but I feel like a three-toed sloth in relation to moving on (from anything). Anyhow I’ve reduced my memories from college to fit into one small suitcase in preparation for the move. Happy tree. 

The books, on the other hand, another story completely. As much as I grip onto ticket stubs, old birthday cards and the like, my hold is exponentially tighter on the books. Books from which I have derived the majority of my knowledge (and love) of literature, politics, history and a vast range of sociological and philosophical topics. Four milk crates and a shopping basket: filled. I now need more than five shelves for them all and I can’t bear to part with any single one. Well, in reality, I could part with “The Stand” by Steven King but since I only have it because I didn’t return it to the city library, I feel that it is morally wrong for me to dispose of it (or Don Quixote). And so I cling. Thanks entirely to those some 300 books, moving will NEVER be simple, easy or “light” for me. 

Six days. 

Tropical Storm Claudette. Then comes Bill. Man I love hurricane season! Except, that is, if it makes my drive to DC unbearable. I hope not.

blech.

It’s like gravity-

the that’s force holding me.

I jumped into that cool water

Free at last, or so I thought.

But I got out, and I was not.

I got so sick of the salt I tasted

Feeling like my love was wasted.

They always say I give too much

too much faith, too much trust.

The hurt is unrelenting, always stinging

words spoken, and not—Always ringing.

I got so sick of my insecurity

Asking over and over what’s wrong with me.

 

The fruit tasted so sweet, when it was ripe

But after the sweet, is the sour

Who would’ve seen so much power.

With those pretty eyes, the lemon hair

Those glowing smiles always seem to care.

Those girls walk pretty with their high heels on

Long spider eyelashes, guys on their arms

Laughing, smiling, without any scars.

I hate them, I do, for what they’ve done to you.

 

I’m afraid I’m broken.

afraid of what I’ve done.

Be cool be cool, can’t fall,

But what if this one’s the one?