adaptation

Wake up this morning to resume my Pandora music. Of course, Wallflowers again. Shoot me in the foot.

You have to wonder, is purgatory that bad for people who are expecting the worst? Probably not. But some of us always expect the worst, regardless of the heights that our hopes reach for.

Just another facet to the human condition of adaptation.

I hate that I can learn to accept anything if just given the right amount of time. My brother is leaving for Qatar in three weeks and by now it just feels like another piece of information, unsurprising and normal. 

After a week of twelve hour days, the ‘x’ on my back from the racerback swimsuit is already fully imprinted. I can’t remember the last day I did not have a bathing suit on. I haven’t blow dried my hair since graduation. Summer is definitely here. And with today being the first day off in a week, and the last one until next Sunday, I’m spending as much as possible in bed. 

 

Officially added Definitely, Maybe to my favorite movies. Right there with Silence of the Lambs, The Wizard of OZ, Forrest Gump, Little Mermaid, and of course a certain UK romantic comedy.

mermaids and mermen

Someone once said to me that love was a construct. (I don’t agree, but I will humor with a discussion after this hefty beer.) My idea of love may be flawed. But so is my idea of life. I am an idealist at my core and so I know that it may not all be cherry blossoms and roses (or in my case gardenias and magnolias) but that’s not really what’s important. I know that mermaids don’t exist, but it doesn’t stop me from being positively enthralled by them and the timeless myths and stories about them. I had my favorite four year old (Colombian named Sebastian, appropriately enough) in swim lessons today tell me that he was a mermaid (I quickly corrected him in telling him that he was a merman, not a mermaid) and my heart soared. I love the idea of humans who live under the sea, in the most beautiful place on earth, and though I know the closest you can get is SCUBA diving, but I really don’t care. Maybe the closest you can get to love is similar to what SCUBA diving is to actually living underwater. (Think Mermaids/Mermen are to Scuba what Idealistic love is to the real thing…Mermaids/Mermen:SCUBA:: Ideal: Real, pulling out the SAT format for old time’s sake.) It’s not perfect, but it’s close enough. That’s probably how all of it goes, not perfect, but good enough. Every last bit. 

In this same line of thought came a startling realization. I truly cannot remember the last time I was actually mad. How that is even possible, I do not know. I am, by all counts a mild mannered person. But I think the fact that I think the last time I was mad was oh about eleven months ago is sad and frightening. I’m a softy. Leaves much to be desired if you ask me. But you’re not asking me.

Finally I read this tonight, and I really liked it (maybe only because I could actually understand what it said)

 XX: PABLO NERUDA

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: “La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos”.

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

It’s embarrassing how sore I am after only a few sessions of weights. Speaking of the gym, I must say that it is absolutely disgusting that people don’t feel like they need to wipe down machines when they’ve finished. My back, shoulders, arms and legs do NOT appreciate your laziness and it’s terribly annoying to clean before AND after I use a machine.

Give it up conservatives/the extreme right— let it go, Sotomayor is in all likelihood going to be the next USSC justice. Unsure how I feel about her as of yet, I haven’t been afforded the opportunity to fully understand where she stands etc. but we’ll see. Not like it really matters, as there is no such thing as a liberal USSC justice anyhow.

Today I was slapped in the face with the appalling realization that my dog is an absolute whore. 

Earlier today, Mom walks out to the porch and asks, “Where’s Shelby?” Outside? I thought she was in the yard? “She’s not out here.” I walk out to the backyard only to look down a few houses to see my little angel, part golden retriever, part brothel resident, allowing the male poodle/maltese to… well you know. So of course Mom starts to climb over the fences dividing the yards between us. But, before she can get there, little Ms. Shelby trotted down the dock and hopped into the water and swam back home. Not even fences can separate my little dog from the rest of the world and her men. 

They just grow up so fast.

Women try to save things. 

Men draw boundaries. 

Hm. 

You never know what’s coming for you.

gitmo.

Of course it is all over the news, Guantanamo Bay and what we can and will do with the entire operation. It’s no secret that I’m an idealist, a pretty strong liberal, but to me this goes beyond that. Since I came to understand what exactly that place meant, and how the country went about putting people there, I have become increasingly aware of how absolutely embarrassing Gitmo is for the United States. I can see where this will land in the history books, and it scares me. When people ask what type of law I want to practice I answer either International or Constitutional. Why such a huge variety between the two choices, they ask. Well, that’s because as of now, our country has completely ripped to shreds the very thing that has provided structure and strength to our country since its birth. The Constitution is, in my opinion, in shambles. I do not want to try and practice Constitution law if the Constitution continues to hold no bearing on society. The way that the last president was able to circumvent and utterly disregard that piece of paper, is scary and disturbing. I can only hope that sometime in the next three years, someone will help to restore those articles and amendments to their rightful place in the lawfulness of this country. So, if that is not the case, international it is and I’ll be (or my concentration will be) out of here. At least for a while. 

I have a special kind of seething hate reserved for Dick Cheney. (As long as we’re on this page). His strategic use of fear mongering since 2001 is rare and appalling. Much more so, is that certain people, especially those that prescribe to a special “news” station, actually believe the things that come out of his mouth. I see him, and I see nothing more than a slimy snake of a person. Either that, or a rat. It is to the point now that I cannot even place responsibility for so many of the mistakes of the last administration on Bush. Cheney though, another story completely. His most recent onslaught of appearances and as of yesterday, his speech, only disgusts me further. He never ceases to amaze me with unabashed use of fear that he employs in order to make his point to the American people. Disgusting.

There is only one thing that I truly want from this administration. (Well, OK, besides some swift and strong actions to begin to repair the economy, change the outlook on energy sources, and efforts towards better education.) And it was clearly set out yesterday: (http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0509/22825.html, Obama’s speech)

“But I believe with every fiber of my being that in the long run we also cannot keep this country safe unless we enlist the power of our most fundamental values. The documents that we hold in this very hall — the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights — these are not simply words written into aging parchment. They are the foundation of liberty and justice in this country, and a light that shines for all who seek freedom, fairness, equality, and dignity around the world.

I’ve studied the Constitution as a student, I’ve taught it as a teacher, I’ve been bound by it as a lawyer and a legislator. I took an oath to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution as Commander-in-Chief, and as a citizen, I know that we must never, ever, turn our back on its enduring principles for expedience sake.

I make this claim not simply as a matter of idealism. We uphold our most cherished values not only because doing so is right, but because it strengthens our country and it keeps us safe. Time and again, our values have been our best national security asset — in war and peace; in times of ease and in eras of upheaval.

Unfortunately, faced with an uncertain threat, our government made a series of hasty decisions. I believe that many of these decisions were motivated by a sincere desire to protect the American people. But I also believe that all too often our government made decisions based on fear rather than foresight; that all too often our government trimmed facts and evidence to fit ideological predispositions. Instead of strategically applying our power and our principles, too often we set those principles aside as luxuries that we could no longer afford. And during this season of fear, too many of us — Democrats and Republicans, politicians, journalists, and citizens — fell silent.”

 

Please let the tide be changing. 

And to Mr. Dick Cheney. Please go away. Time’s up, and if you haven’t noticed your party is crumbling, perhaps you should focus on that rather than mixing up fear yet again. Thanks.

low skies, dreary days.

Reading a lot lately. On book number four for the summer. Little else to do save catch up on pop culture. At least I know I’ll be in better shape and well-read by the end of these three months. 

I wonder. In terms of friendships and relationships, when does a person stop saying things that he or she knows the other wants to hear, and start saying and doing things simply because he or she wants to? Everyone wants to think that they are frank, honest, and true to themselves, but that’s not the way it goes. There’s an obvious buffer zone that exists. Can’t help but wonder for how long it is there. We are, of course, better of without them, as the truth inevitably rears its ugly face. But that is not a lesson to be learned through words, not in the least.

Realized today that the shiniest (and therefore, most oft used) keys on my keyboard are some of the very same ones to be found on the final round of “Wheel of Fortune”: RSTLNE . Funny how that happens.

Rain has finally subsided. Of course, I love the wondrous magic of thunderstorms. I love the bright light that flickers through the windows at the dead of night eerily resembling a muted television. I love counting the seconds in between the lightning and the growling roll of thunder. I love the honest to goodness pouring of rain on the roof overhead and the grass just outside, the awning on the side of the house. And I love getting a few free hours at the pool while we wait for the quick afternoon storms to subside in the thick of summer. What I don’t love, however, is the seemingly endless cloud-cover that Florida has experienced in the past few days. At first, all is well, but my mood seems to take a noticeable drop after about twenty-four hours without the sun. May some higher being grace me (and those around me) with the strength to stand the winter I will be enduring this year.

The last time that I endured this much neverending rain, I was surrounded by Spanish, walking around with colones in my pocket on sidewalks made much too slick by the moss on the sidewalks. Then, it was much easier to see past it, and enjoy what i was doing, where I was going, and the experience I was having. But now, it seems to be affecting my mood so much more. Fear. Anxiety. Nostalgia. Melancholy. It’s all sort of mixing and leaving me with some weird feeling I can hardly describe. 

Thankfully, I decided to stop being a negative nancy long enough to take a quick stroll down my street just as the sun was setting (as it did come out long enough to set). It was absolutely what I needed. On my way back my mood had significantly improved, I picked a few Gardenias (the world’s most beautiful flower) and all was well.

My personal five year anniversary is this weekend. Wow.

Also, carpal tunnel worse than ever. Can now hardly grasp weights, stretch fingers, pull hair into ponytail, hold steering wheel, sweep, mop, vacuum, open a jar, open the toothpaste, and a variety of other activities. Oh dear Lord.

Finally ordered Tony Hoagland. 

I swear up and down, in this world and the next, I absolutely LOATHE bandwagon jumpers. “GO MAGIC” is all I hear lately. Funny, never knew I had so many huge Magic fan friends before. Oddly familiar to, oh yes, last fall when the (Team formally known as ‘Devil Rays’) got to the world series. Oh give me a break people. Blech.

And there is this beautiful new sundress staring at me from my closet door. Was supposed to be for a special occasion this weekend past, but alas it went unworn, hanging disdainfully from that white, plastic hanger. What’s a girl to do?

Really, though. What’s a girl to do?

Forty-one days.

ah.

I am definitely not usually one of those that is totally against the establishment. I don’t find anything really wrong with social security numbers, student numbers, or any of the countless other bureaucratic machines working tirelessly (or not working at all) in the United States. What I do have a  problem with, on the other hand, is the requirement that people need to register (and thereby pay $40) each and every year for their vehicles. Worse than that, they want you to do it on your birthday! The lady today, had the pleasure of telling me that I had been driving ILLEGALLY for four weeks. My word, I can’t believe I would make such a transgression against society. More than that, she went on to ask why I would have a different address on my license than on my registration. Well, miss, that is because I got a ticket for not having my current address when I was at college. I did not want to change it but I was forced to under penalty of the law. Well, she didn’t really care. With her snide attitude and her wonderful New York accent, she probably only spends half of the year living down here anyway. Actually, she probably spends either 1 day less than six months, or 1 day more. That way, either some NY address can be her permanent one, or some address that is probably down the street from me. I’m going to bet that she probably votes down here though based on her McCain/Palin sticker she still had proudly displayed on her desk. Thank you very much, ma’am. I don’t really care to ever re-register my car. I pay my insurance, my loan payments every month on the 16th and I don’t see the purpose in purchasing a $40 new yellow sticker every year. It’s covered by my license plate frame anyhow. (Which is ALSO illegal, mind you. But if it is, they shouldn’t sell it.) Anyhow this is my rant about the dumb money-making schemes of our government. 

Next, a lesson. If, as a lifeguard, you get a call in the morning telling you that due to the enormous amounts of rain being dumped onto the area, the pool will not be opening, please be advised: DO NOT, under any circumstances, GO TO THAT PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. (Even just to work out.) Mid-circuit workout today, that same boss quickly stepped into the gym to inform me that someone (the person who happened to be occupying the gym with me at the time) wanted to use the pools. And since it was only raining now, they were going to open up for him. And by they, I of course mean me. So I quickly threw on a guard shirt, grabbed my flowered umbrella and sat in the windy-rain for the next ninety minutes. Not worth the wages after taxes. Especially when said man decides to have a conversation with me whilst he soaked in the 85 degree water and I sat in the much chillier air. “I really didn’t think they were going to let me swim today,” he said. “Neither did I.” Lesson learnt. I will never again make such a mistake.

I don’t want to someday pretend,

it’s carol singers at the door.

yoohoo

I just finished Brokeback Mountain, a movie I’d never seen before. I now realize what the fuss was all about and once I reconciled seeing the two actors interact, I was enamored with the movie. Sadly, though, I never would have imagined just how much I found myself aligned with the characters and their story. I suppose it serves as one additional driving force because at the end of the movie, as the credits began, I felt more fear than anything else. It’s always a great film, to me, if it makes me completely forget about the plot within the confines of the movie and instead relate it to my own life. This is one of those times that it makes me sad. Very, very sad. I probably should’ve found just one more classic to follow it up with before I turn in for bed, but alas after an eight hour day in the sun, I know there is no way I’ll make it much longer. 

As frustrating as they can sometimes be, children can truly be the turning point in a day. I believe that up until a certain age, youth is the closest thing that people will ever be to loving unconditionally. Sometime between childhood and adolescence people lose that unconditional element. Of course innocence is in there somewhere too. At any rate, I can think of no better way to completely free myself of the stress and burdens I’ve felt than by surrounding myself with these miniature people all summer. We’ll see how I feel in a few weeks, though. 

I want to go to the aquarium. I’ve not been home a week and I’m beyond restless already.

Tickets on sale this weekend for the concert I can’t wait to go to. August 8. Woo hoo!

Also, I am trying really hard not to get too tan. Already, though, I can see it.