Starting to say goodbye now. Difficult when you realize that you are seeing someone who has been so important for the last time, at least for a while. This feeling is very weird. How can you miss someone who’s still there?

I can’t let it go.

Oh what to do about it all.

22.

I realized something wonderful yesterday. We were on our way back from St. Augustine, a little sunned with sand and salt stuck to our bodies, listening to The Almond Brothers and Blues Traveler, and I was happy. I have been for a while, but I just hadn’t taken the time to actually sit down and realize it. No, not everything about my life, or life in general, is absolutely perfect, there will always be disappointments, worries and frustrations. The plans that I had arranged for this time of my life are not quite fulfilled, but it’s ok. All of the small things have little to do with my overall sense of contentment with life. I don’t really think I have ever felt this way before and that is probably just what happens through the years, but I am so glad of it. I think that everyone has the chance to make their life what it is or isn’t, whether they look at it on the bright side or not, and that truly perspective is all that matters. The past few days and weeks I have begun to come to terms with the fact that this era of my life is drawing to a close. While I have most definitely had some nostalgic moments with a few tears, I haven’t cried. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why, because sadly I am that emotional sometimes. But during the drive I figured it out. I am sad that college is over, but only because I will miss things, not because I regret things. There is nothing to change about the experience I have had. I have loved this school, loved the people I have met here, the memories that I will always have, the knowledge I have gained. There is not a place on campus that doesn’t hold some sort of significance to me. It was only a moment ago that my parents (and Julie’s) moved us into our first dorm room, and there is no way I am about to hand someone a card with my name on it so that I can walk across a stage at graduation. (So OK as much as I love this school, you never forget just how big it is…I just keep telling myself, ALUMNI BASE, ALUMNI BASE…) I am so thankful for everything and everyone in my life. I realize, too, that this is little more than some sort of brag-fest, but technically it’s still birthday festivities and I can do what I want.

And on that bratty note, it’s off for a run, that I’ll probably regret since it’s about a million degrees outside.

Cost: Countless hours spent laboring at my computer. 49 checked out library books.Umpteen skim capuccinos/chai teas. Several missed opportunities to go out on the town. A few tears. One wrist with carpal tunnel.

Benefit: Highest Honors. Woo Hoo! 

What a great start to birthday week!

Today

Things I will miss:

- being able to cross University for my every need, at any point regardless of crosswalks

- the anarchists/socialists/communists who sit in these poli sci and history classes with their ideas of how the world should be

- sitting under magnolia trees amongst hippies and chanting peoples

That’s it for now.

This is why I hate men: Every Tuesday and Thursday, I walk into my European History class and drink my lunch of a protein shake. Yum. During that same class, every week, a thin guy to my right brings in a delicious brownie from the coffee shop across the street. Slowly, he enjoys the chocolately deliciousness of a baked treat and I drink the chalky nutritiousness of a chilled juice mixture. Not fair.

In the midst of a family filled weekend, I found myself somehow staring out the windows as I “wrote” my last two college papers on Spain and Somalia. Of course instead of writing I was actively searching out new and interesting ways to procrastinate. I found one. A great one. Omegle.com. It’s probably a cross between the weirdest and most interesting thing I’ve yet to stumble across on the internet. The website randomly connects two strangers from around the world to have a brief conversation. I mean, I guess it could be lengthy, but it wasn’t for me. I found that there were some weirdos, inevitably. One person asked if I enjoyed eating babies. Another asked me what I looked like, and when I replied with green eyed brunette they asked, “Slim?” and when I replied “why?” they immediately closed the connection. Typical. After all of those weird situations I found myself talking, allegedly, to some random person from Turkey. It wasn’t until the close of our ten minute interaction mostly about movies and random life topics that I realized that the internet had taken the idea of serendipity to a whole new level. As I decided to turn back to my work, I knew I’d never speak to that person ever again. It was such a curious way to connect (?) with someone of the six billion people on the planet. I guess connect is the wrong word, but I don’t really know what the right one would be. Anyway, it was interesting.

Ten days until my birthday!!! Seven days left of undergrad!!! What a wonderful time of countdowns. 

I think I may have overdone the meat intake today, as now my stomach does seem to be having some difficulty. I hope not to regret this.

Time is wearing on, winding down, or drawing to a close.

So what does one do, in fear of tomorrow? Lives in the past, of course.

And tonight, we dance.

Fingers tapping, she waits for the beginning but can’t help but let her mind wander to what seems is the end. The noise in the room is only the dead sounds of the filtered world she feels herself slipping away from. In walks the sweater and sets the shoulder bag down. His eyes glance up and scan the room not faltering for a second on any one body. He has trained himself well. The next time the door opens a few of the last season’s leaves burst in, unannounced. They are not noticed by anyone, save the one who walks with his eyes to the pavement. He does not look up until he reaches his seat and even then, it is only straight ahead to the board. Slightly slouched, he wont turn back until the attendance sheet makes its way to his desk and he is forced to break the silence he has created for himself. The girl in row five chats about things that don’t even matter to her, much less the rest of the room that can hear her every word. Today the subject is her unclean roommate that eats all her food. The girl that doodles words instead of pictures starts scribbling synonyms for annoying and stares without blinking into the space that is her salvation. The one who tries hard not to try at all slinks in with her backpack half slung on her back. She slides into her seat and slowly opens her bag, draws out her pen and her old notebook. Her low set glasses frame her small eyes, and when she brushes her bangs back behind her ears, the thoughts of her secrets dance in her head. Meanwhile the chatty one has switched to her non-working cellular, assuring those around her that she did not ignore their calls. They both nod their heads, the silent message is of course, that they don’t care and did not notice. Chatty does not pick up on their unspoken message, her radar is turned off when she is talking. Her radar is always turned off. The boy with the espresso opens his slick notebook and the screen blinks on, revealing a search engine full of results that he quickly minimizes and stretches his hand, clutching the coffee, behind the empty seat to his right. The appearance is nonchalance and he is certain it is working. The well practiced sweater clears his throat, settles into a world he knows all too well. As the sunlight shifts, hiding behind a cloud, her streaming thoughts and visions race through their course, unfettered by the life spinning around her.

Today my green eyes weep for the world.
Headline today: “New Study Shows Obesity Pattern in 4 Year Olds”
I am sad for this place.