a sad song.

Today I went to the funeral of someone one third my age. It’s by far the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done. Ever ever ever ever. I can’t decide if the life of the little boy makes me want to believe in God or if his death convinces me that He doesn’t exist.

how i see it

I’ve been trying to figure out why this admissions process is becoming so difficult for me but it’s beginning to look more and more like a really weird courting process. This is my take on it. 

So there’s this guy who obviously likes you, he calls you all the time, emails you, sends you tons of stuff in the mail and always seems to have your best interest at heart. He obviously thinks you’re too good for him, so he even offers to buy you lots of stuff and totally pamper and spoil you. You go out with him once, to you know, give him a chance, but it just doesn’t feel right. He’s just so into you that you’re really not that into him.

Then there’s this other guy, he’s just a little cuter than the first one, and he’s been playing it a little cooler. Dropping little forget-me-not notes your way and always remembering to keep you involved in his life. All of a sudden he asks you out on what sounds like a really amazing date and you’re sort of excited about it, you start picking out your outfit and everything until you get this message from the really hot guy.

The hot guy has a great place, everyone loves him and he knows all the right people. He’s got the look that drives every girl crazy and the charm that makes girls swoon. He casually asks you out, sends you a couple of nice messages and presents but nothing too flashy. You smile when you think about him, and for the most part you really do like him. Well, until you think about that dream guy.

The dreamboat. He’s not the cutest of the bunch, but there’s something special about him. He lives in a great part of town but best of all he’s playing hard to get, which of course really makes you crazy about him. He hardly ever calls or writes, but when he does you get all excited and your heart jumps just a little bit. He’s got great friends and people seem to like him. You wish you didn’t have such a crush, but you just can’t help it. 

Of course there are the guys who are really far away and you know, they send sweet little emails telling you how much they think you are meant to be together. But you’re just not sold on the idea of them. The magic just isn’t there. You can’t help but think that the guy playing hard to get is the one, you two are perfect for one another. All the same interests and you just know you’ll get along great. If he’d just give you the chance to show him. 

This is my life in a nutshell. A very convoluted nutshell.

upcoming

Yay! Only two months until my birthday. Two months until I’m done. Two months is not that long.

I think I’m going to get a plant. I’m contemplating it. 

I should probably cut my hair soon.

Oh, and church really was a good idea.

update

Another reason why I love this place: I am watching a group of what appears to be very old alumni, all who seem to be friends with one another, dressed undoubtedly for the game, strolling leisurely in front of the building. Taking pictures too, one has his camera pointed at these very windows as I type. It’s cute, the smearing of orange and blue has been floating in my field of peripheral vision for about four minutes, and though I’m alone with my stacks of books on deinstitutionalization and sterilization, it has lifted my spirits to see.
Ok, done.

i’ve heard there was a secret card

I’m really going to miss this view. Ever since West opened my Sophomore year it’s been my favorite place, despite it’s eerie parallel to the SOUTHWest, in that it’s seen as a social gathering place. (I find humor in the ironic naming coincidence.) Anyhow, I love the natural light, something that other libraries certainly lack. I love the windows just in front of Unviersity Ave. I think it’s wonderful. Granted, I don’t love how much time I have been/will be spending here in the coming weeks (only FIVE weekends left for this thing! Oi vey!) I don’t, however, like how the touring students today thought it acceptable to walk through the library whilst talking amongst themselves and their parents. I’m one of those crazy people who think talking isn’t OK at the library. At least not on this floor. 

Excited about tonight though. So deserved, I feel, after the past few days/week. Well, even more so if I get myself back to work here.

Oh and Ash Wednesday this week. I still haven’t completely decided on my Lenten sacrifices. I realize that my recent distance from church etc. makes it a little ironic that I even care to realign with the church, but I figure if there is any such time to try, it’s during Lent. So tomorrow I’ll be at Holy Faith early early, and again on Wednesday. What fun. We’ll see.  

Still discovering new talents of my macbook, which is fun, yet distracting.

Just found out about yet another wedding that I will be a part of in April. This is exciting, as I do so enjoy weddings, but stressful as well. Two weddings in three weeks, two bachelorette parties, two bridesmaid dresses, two pairs of shoes. FUN! Then, not far behind will be the big 2-2, and just a few days later graduation. Whenever will I be visiting schools? 

Basically, it’s official, I’m in the weird downward rushing part of the semester, where everything is going to be speeding past. But, at the same time, it’s the time when I need to start drafting all three of my class papers, taking midterms. Am I stressed? No. Yes.

No more. I’m done, for real this time. Pinky promise.

come on get higher

Persuasive writing skills worked, either that or the old emails, regardless, the history major will be completed after this semester. And the tree was happy. 

A certain school is playing yo-yo with my feelings, and those of countless others with similar numbers. Madness continues as Mom says she doesn’t think she can take much more of my talking points about each school in attempt to reason out a solution. Fair enough. 

After seeing Rihanna, people say that Chris Brown’s career is over. Personally, don’t agree. Two points: T.I.’s Road to Redemption on MTV (I guess it would be taboo for Chris to follow) and Michael Vick is purportedly going to rejoin the NFL. Seems nothing, from weapons charges to dog fighting, can keep you out of the limelight. On that note, I do hope that he is punished and I really hope there is some sort of public statement. But alas, domestic violence is a problem that plagues our society, however silently and there really is little to no widespread effort at trying to eradicate it. Sad, truly.

Pretty amazed at the NY Post political cartoon. That is pretty despicable, and not that I ever have, but I’m certain now that I never will read that newspaper. Stunned, really.

Such a beautiful day. Too bad it’ll be spent inside.

whole new meaning

I am such a brat, and I guess it’s good that I realize this at least. But as a wise person once said, we don’t always get what we want. I guess.

I was thoroughly annoyed, so much so in fact that I even commented aloud, to myself, upon passing the newspaper stand today on campus. It’s sort of funny to me that the school supplies students with the New York Times and the USA Today. I mean the sheer difference in reading level is enough to make the juxtaposition ironic, not to mention the stories/slants/etc. So anyhow, on the cover of the USA Today (aka the country’s newspaper for people who want to read the news like it’s in a 6th grade textbook, which is fine I guess, at least they’re reading something) was a graphic of Obama with the words “Obama’s War” written next to it. This is, of course, in response to the 17,000 additional troops being added to Afghanistan. Wow. 17,000. And all of a sudden it’s as if he is responsible for the whole of the war. I just don’t understand how people can ignore the news about how the area has been deteriorating, so much so that the number of deaths in Afghanistan last month was the highest its been since 9/11. I don’t understand how the U.S. thinks. Period. I am just so annoyed. By the way, Obama made it clear during the election that he planned on increasing efforts in Afghanistan since the original mission had been left by the wayside once the Bush administration took up with Iraq. History shows that the issues involving the Taliban and al-Qaeda can be traced back to the Soviet invasion of the 1980s, and the inability to provide infrastructure in the aftermath of its defeat. You can’t do that. Not helping a country rebuild after war is why the Germans were so bitter after World War I, why can’t people see the repetitiveness of actions such as these. It’s so frustrating and I will never understand how people can simply turn on their blinders and act like actions don’t affect history. Maybe someday people will just change. Or the world will. Or, I’ll live on an island and pretend I have no idea. One of the three. 

I seriously love dreaming. Up until this year I don’t think I remembered any of my dreams, or if I did, it was very few and far between. I had a dream last night that I returned to Costa Rica but that something within me was very upset about being back because it felt like I was trying to recapture something that was perfect as it was. I guess it’s all a part of living in the past, something that I’m awfully good at preaching against to other people but much less successful at realizing myself.

A. I’m completely and utterly at a loss in life at the moment. Nothing satiates my need for contemplating, thinking, dissecting, everything and my poor little moleskin has been on the receiving end of it all. 

B. I’m more proud than is probably necessary about the fact that I’ve run 50 miles in less than two weeks. 

C. I need a vacation. (I realize that this is a moot point as I have to use extra funds to take trips to schools and furthermore can’t afford to waste free time away from the work ahead of me, but still.)

Oh, and today is the last time I tell myself I’m going to take a ‘break’ for one hour of happy hour only to return to the library afterwards. That’s absolutely ridiculous and obviously doesn’t happen.

a story

I wish you could save up laughs. That way you could have a store for those days that don’t make you smile. Yesterday, on the bus, the malfunctioning of one of my ear buds allowed for me to listen to the freshmen banter of those across from me. Obviously a So-Flo native, the main spotlight of the trip, was really quite a riot. Talking to his friend, but really announcing to the entirety of the park-and-ride passengers, he was heading to the gym, for the SECOND time that day. He knew it seemed a little bit “crazy” but he loved the gym, dude, and had nothing else to do. He didn’t care that the whole bus could hear his conversations, he told his increasingly embarrassed friend, he had nothing to hide. He couldn’t believe how (name changed for privacy purposes) Jane had lost all the baby weight alreaady. She always had that cute little body on her. But boy, he was so glad he hadn’t “touched that” last year when he had the chance. He was totally not ready to be a baby daddy. Hm. Really? Best of all was the demeanor, the cocky, self-important manner in which he interacted with those around him. He couldn’t help but steal a glance at himself in the nearest car as we trekked to our respective vehicles. But good Lord, do I wish that moment, and the laughter that I successfully stifled as I craned my neck to look at anything other than this overly gelled, southern guido, could have been stored and utilized to my benefit later on when I needed it most.

blah

Every Sunday, like countless others, I read Postsecret.com and it never fails to make me feel things for people I’ll never know, more than likely. I think it’s a wonderful idea, and although sometimes I question whether people are telling the truth, I can’t help but get my heartbroken a little bit each visit. It’s fascinating thinking about the secrets that people are burdening themselves with, carrying them around like an old, beat up (ever-so-heavy), book or something. I mean, I know it’s probably a bit morbid to think about death everyday, but isn’t it sort of naive not to? I can’t help it, personally, and not in a sad way, or a way that makes me nervous or anything. Nonetheless, I guess it’s inevitable to die with a few untold secrets. Hopefully just a few. Anyhow, it’s a fantastic website. 

Hypertension is one of those things I’ve always brushed off, until my Dad found out he has it. All of a sudden it’s frightening, how selfish.

UF AAC wins another one. As I was away last semester, in preparation for final registration I specifically checked with an “advisor” (this is really a loose term, I believe) to ensure I’d have the correct credits to finish my majors etc. (Of course she had to ask, why not pursue the English minor, one class away, or the Spanish minor, one class away. Because I’m lazy, lady, and I don’t want to kill myself.) Anyhow, I was assured that all I needed was 9 History and 3 PoliSci to finish up. Great. Perfect. So, imagine my surprise when I get a call from another “advisor” Friday detailing in a very cheerful voicemail that it seems I am 3 credits shy of not only History but also PoliSci completion. Fantastic. Of course, errors with the Liberal Arts “college” are inevitable, so they’d simply not counted the three credits from UCR for PoliSci, but History, nope, not there. How it is possible for an “advisor” to not be able to read the degree audits that are the backbone, the fundamental basis of their position, is beyond me. Completely beyond fathomability. So now I get to appeal, to graduate with this major I’ve devoted 3/4 of my last semester’s work to. Not to mention that had I put a little more on my plate summer, I could have simply graduated. Let’s hope that my persuasive writing skills will not fail me in my desperate, yet justified appeal for a degree to be granted. It’s amazing, really. (Disclaimer: Yes, I realize that not being able to understand my own requirements is definitely a part of my responsibility as a college senior, and as such I cannot fully burden the result of this little hiccup on the “advising” center. Begrudgingly, though.)

The Slam-Dunk contest last night was so cool.

Boring week in store, it seems. Let’s hope the spice of some law school news spices it up. 

Can’t wait to return to my bed this night.

asjdfldjsgh

I’m scared.

Really scared.