realization

Painfully, moments ago I have come to a realization about myself. I truly am dependent upon my glasses. I need to stop pretending that I don’t need to wear them (or my contacts) all of the time. Because I do. I mistakenly drove up to Publix (not even a mile from my house) and home without my glasses. The drive back it was fully cloaked by darkness and I struggled in getting home, thanks to the lighting of headlamps and tail lights, I did make it back safely without any real problems, but it was mostly a drive based on memory and not at all on being able to see the things before and behind me. This is sad as I thought I could evade this most unfortunate fate by simply training my eyes to be stronger, put up a bigger fight when it came to their ever increasing weakness. I was wrong, very, very wrong. I guess it will be time for a new prescription soon and I will spiral ever further into the darkness of the unseen.

I’m about 1/11 through my thesis. WOO HOO. Not a huge feat, I realize, but feels good nonetheless as I am about halfway through the first section. I have, though, spent nearly all of the daylight hours enclosed in coffee shops and libraries for the past two days. But progress is forthcoming and I am pleased. 

I feel as if I am beginning to rediscover my vocabulary more and more each day. Also, I’ve taken to talking to myself in Spanish as I have yet to get the nerve to do so with the Colombians and just Miami-ans that I know. 

Oi vey. For now, it’s Egglplant Parm and a beer for dinner. Followed by a momentous night of movies. I forgot how much fun this whole thing is. Wonderful. With the moon moving into waxing crescent my mood improves by the day (night).

wet eyes

I am melancholy this night and there is no reason for it. The words to this Regina Spektor song, Samson, have me thinking. It’s sad to me that I am so in awe of the stars when I allow myself realize that they are actually just the the leftover remnants of stars that have long since died out. It’s the product of our world that we think that good things shouldn’t end. Especially the perfect, beautiful, types of things. Like stars. And flowers. And smiles, laughs. Worst of all, circumstances. Things, people, experiences that allow you to pretend that they’ll always be there, things will never change. The sad truth is that at the very moment that you feel that nothing can or will change, it actually is changing, dying out in its own way. Slowly sometimes. Other times, much more rapidly, like the last remaining rays of light as the sun sets. It’s all so fleeting, so very fleeting. I guess I’m thankful that it breaks my heart to realize these things, because if nothing else, it means that I am happy enough in my situation to be saddened when it changes. Loss is better than absence. Or so I tell myself. Without those stars that don’t exist anymore, I wouldn’t have anything wonderful to look at in the night sky that I adore so very much.

I should probably switch from this Damien Rice Pandora.com radio station. I blame the music. 

Speaking of music. Elton John + Billy Joel, Tampa, in a month, and I want to go so bad I could cry.

cross-pollination

So today was fun. After meeting with my thesis advisor and attempting to work on a timeline of progress I decided to check online to see when the committee would actually need a hard copy for review. Seeing as the semester ends the day before I turn a year older, I figured I had a solid 11 weeks. (I don’t walk until a week or so later, May 3.) Boy was I wrong. The thesis is due the FIRST WEEK of April. I feel like i just had the sheets ripped off of me in the dawn of a very cold, icy, winter morning. I have lost a month, an entire month. My sanity is quickly slipping away. On a slightly more positive note, my advisor seems confident in me and went so far as to tell me that what I’m writing on not only has merit, but is (and I quote) important. He seems to think we can send it places, and this makes me happy. (Of course there is that tiny little detail of actually writing it.) Seems like a great first step into academia. Hooray. (Again, I need to actually write it.)

I was also warned against fraternizing with my own people in the coming months, years. Easier said than done, I suppose.

As can be imagined, I am getting very antsy in anticipation of some sort of word from any school at this point. I am waiting on six more and it’s an everyday struggle, of course there is nothing to do but wait. And good things come to those who wait. Sadly, I’ve never been much of a waiter, except for the serving kind, but as for the kind that requires patience, I’m nowhere near. My thoughts are all-consuming and these things make focusing on schoolwork very difficult, to say the least.

Things I’m annoyed by: Sarah Palin’s PAC, the renewed bombing between Israel/Hamas, Republican rejections of the new stimulus (can’t help but wonder if these people ever had any History classes, at all), seeing new job cuts everyday (almost to 200,000 for 2009 alone). To name a few. 

And alas, it’s time for some good, quality, t.v. (i.e. Real World Brooklyn) before I retreat into the wonderful world of PDF-land.

counterproductivity

This weekend I’d had big plans to get a ton of everything done. In place of that progress, I spent nearly the whole thing surrounded by my friends not doing anything in the way of actual homework/reading/research. And now I feel guilty, but also not, as I’ve taken to just rationalizing these choices by the fact that I wont be near any of them in about three months. I’m very, almost too good at making excuses.

New favorite thing: Barack Obama’s weekly radio address podcast.

Yesterday was probably one of the most beautiful days I’ve seen in a while, the temperature a perfect 73, no clouds, which only added to my lagging spirit in regards to my work. Even sprawled out in the grass on campus I could find little drive to get much of anything done beyond people watching. You can always tell who has been watching the weather (or at least checking the daily temp) and who has not. Of course in Florida, the outfits have an even greater range, due to the drastic rise and fall of the temperature each day. Not to mention that most people just don’t have a wardrobe equipped for temperatures below fifty. It’s a strange thing.  

Obama told Republicans to stop listening to Limbaugh. Well, if only, if only, is all I can think. I know too many of those types who love, love, love, their conservative talk radio. It’s not going to happen. Rush will eternally be a beacon of news/politics, effectively spreading his rhetoric. Yuck. 

Just a note, I consider myself to be a pretty avid news watcher/reader. I enjoy keeping up to date on what’s going on, and used to pride myself on knowing the major stories each day. This way of thinking has recently been challenged by none other than my computer. On my Bookmark bar at the top of my browser is a little drop-down menu with “News” and oftentimes it will have a number next to it, the number being the recent news stories that I have yet to see. I feel like I just can’t keep up, it updates constantly and will jump from 21 to 109 in the blink of an eye. Due to some crazy neuroticism on my part, I don’t like to have unread messages, emails, text messages, anything. So, of course, when I see these ‘unread’ news stories, I feel an obligation to scan through them. This too, adds to my low productivity level. That, and it makes me feel like I’m crazy.

Talked to Ligia and Gilberth yesterday in the midst of my extremely long Skype catch-up with Roberto. Ligia said she thinks my Spanish is slipping. This is very sad to me, and while I’m too scared to ask any of my friends just to make me talk in it, I am more than fearful that last semester and the some 15,000 that I spent will be a total waste (in terms of my Spanish language skills). I guess the only solution is to man up and speak in Spanish with the amigos, but oh so nerve-wracking. Especially given the very original question that EVERYONE wants to know about my trip, well let’s make that the three most ‘original’ questions: A. How was it!?!?! (Really, guys, how do you think it was? I hated it?), B. Do you miss it??!?! (Would you? I had no responsibilities and I lived in paradise <they don’t know it was the rainy season.>) C. Are you fluent??!!? (Assuredly not, but still, the expectation is there to at least speak well enough to get by, which I may have been able to do two months ago, but am seriously doubting now.)

I think people need to stop blaming things (i.e. obesity) on their genes. (Here’s another example: http://www.dbtechno.com/health/2009/01/27/your-genes-help-determine-your-own-social-circle/ ) I happen to know for a fact that I have genes supposedly conducive to certain attributes (i.e. obesity) and have thus far avoided such a fate. And also, if genes play such a huge role in predetermining these things, why aren’t there any obese people in poverty-stricken countries? Oh right, it’s because they don’t have access to the thousands of products, aisle by aisle, fast food joint to fast food joint of over-processed, highly caloric, fatty food. That’s right, I forgot. 

That was harsh and I apologize. 

(Less than 11 months until Christmas.) (Too soon?) (OK.)

con law

Today I was full of joy. As I have recently discovered the wonderful world of news podcasts on iTunes, I was sitting in the ‘Plaza,’ eating and listening to my daily dose of news when I hear that Obama would be signing the Exec. Order to close Gitmo and end any type of torture or ‘extreme interrogation’ tactics. Positively thrilled, to say the least. Well, about that and hearing “President Obama.” I can only hope that work is soon done to repeal or at least drastically alter the “Patriot Act,” probably the worse piece of legislation on the books in present day, as far as the Constitution is concerned. 

Speaking of my passion for this stuff, I have just finished a heated argument with a close friend, who ended by saying ‘I love making you go off like this.’ Thanks, “friend.” Little does he know just how liberal D.C. will make him in the coming years. I can’t help that I get so heated about these things, I give full credit/responsibility to my thesis advisor as he’s been the biggest influence on my education in the past three years. Driving my mind and heart into areas I’d never really taken a look at before and shaping the interests that will probably determine my life.

My stomach is literally growling at me. But it’s a new day and I refuse to eat until breakfast.

Three months from today and I think I’ll start lying about my age. I’m of course, still looking forward to my birthday, but I will, I think, remove the year from my book face account.

Pandora’s  

The sheets are tangled in the feet

That kick what once was neat

And tucked perfectly under the chin

Of a girl who could do nothing but laugh

And grin.

 

Her mom doesn’t see what she sees

Thinks her head’s stuck in the trees

With the whistling, tweeting, birds, hopping

From branch to idea, to wish, without

Stopping.

 

But the tightness in her heart doesn’t show

On her sleeve, or her voice. They just don’t know

The lint pieces of down that find their way

to her world, the door unlocked,  it

Will stay.

 

She no longer asks the questions that tug

At the loose shoestrings that are too snug

Inside her mind she leaves it be and lets it fly.

Is sure that the it, that she doesn’t feel, is

A lie.

 

The rusting hinges begin to darken and whine

With each salty tear that falls, each sweet time.

But the sweet is more of the bitters that she bites

When she forgets where she’s standing , or sleeping

At night.

 

Her dad is the dad she thought she would marry

He sees her still as that child, very

Little, she was a dancing on his toes and

Now, hardly visible, is the girl that once held

His hand.

 

But she’s cold at night, and she’ll never tell,

She’ll add a layer of socks. Positive, well

Almost, but not really, that they can disguise

The subdued shiver that runs down her back because

Of lies.

 

But don’t forget to wake up when it seems

The day is here. Regardless of the dreams

And beauty of the night, as the sun breaches

The horizon, orange with truth that what hurts

Teaches

 

Us, her and me to lift the straps by the

Boots of the uphill, all night hike that we

Have taken to get to this strange plateau

Where all is seen, and unseen and we realize to

Let go.

 

Oh and just a side note, my computer just read that to me, out loud, how incredible.

interpretation

One of the most wonderful things about life is the ability to interpret it. This also turns into one of the most terrible,  if given just enough wind in its sail.  Today, walking (ever so briskly) across the famous plaza that is Turlington I spotted a person I was seeing last year. Never serious, this is true, but still. Bundled and wearing my glasses, I will admit, but I was sure eye contact was made and then quickly evaded by the opposite party (or so I thought). Being too prideful to take any further action, I hurried along my way, earphones remained tucked in my ears, grabbed my juicy newspaper and headed to my mandatory donation lunch. (Much too cold to eat outside, spaghetti was cold by the time I’d found a sunny spot to sit.) I then stewed just a bit over the half-encounter. I’d not done anything extraordinarily rude to end the ‘dating,’ shall we say? Had I been, unknowingly, less than cordial with the end? What had I done? Said? Of course analyzing over and over why there wouldn’t be some sort of reciprocal response to my half-smirk as I approached. Nothing. After briefly voicing my concern, I let the issue scamper out of my thoughts as I was once again submersed in Brittany-world. Due to a few circumstances that have come to fruition since then, I realize that I had done what I tend to do, completely over-analyzed the situation, made something out of nothing at all (as he most assuredly had not recognized me). This is why I wish I could read minds. I really just do. I could handle it, I think, and maybe I could even use my power for good. 

Although, I am thinking that right now it would be PRETTY sweet if I would have that power for my exam tomorrow. Which is really what I should be doing right now.

But not yet. I also have been thinking a lot about the subtle feelings your body sends you at certain points in time. Like the light feeling you get after crying, where I guess because there’s nothing left to do, somehow the burden of weight is just not there anymore. Or how the nostalgia of seeing old friends really does rinse your whole self, in those fantastic moments when you’re able to actually grasp what it is that is going on around you. Even the soreness of your muscles, the tiredness of your eyes, the itch on your back, clenching your own fist, biting your tongue, curling your toes or running your hands over your face over and over again so that you can make yourself believe something, stop doing something, or just let go. 

But I hate letting go. It’s like that pair of shoes I’ll probably never wear but bring me comfort in knowing I could if I needed to. Or that person who really doesn’t add anything to my life anymore, but because she’s been my friend since we were this big, (holds hand to chest height) I just can’t let go. Is life better or worse as a result? Or does it even matter. It’s a terrible burden to feel like you need to be something to so many people, but worse, I think, is falling short, letting go. 

Are we getting closer or are we just getting more lost? Great song.

I’m spending the first night alone in my house. And I am glad. I got so spoiled this summer living alone, but it’s wonderful here too, with people around and a dog and a cat, of course. 

Two months and I’ll know where I’m going as most schools seem to have an April cutoff date for accepting their offers. I’m starting to narrow, doing the unthinkable and declining some places. It’s absolutely torturous as most people simply can’t discuss this with me. Well, in actuality no one can. It’s frightening because I am, of course, a talker. I know, in the end, it’s only me that matters, but it just is so much easier with input. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that regardless of where I go, I will be happy, I’d like to think I’m one of those people who makes the most out of things. That, and the fact that everyone I’ve spoken to about it has said they felt like they made the best decision, regardless of the school they are attending (or attended). No such thing as regrets, I suppose. Ha. I really should start practicing what I preach, ever so passionately to those around me. It’s definitely in the plan.

I’m still having a hard time sleeping at night. Last night I was in Africa. I’ve never had a problem falling asleep as I am now. It’s probably the utterly confounding combination of circumstances that are culminating to corrupt my coziness. OK that was unnecessary. Ha. On that note, I will return to the Qur’an and hopefully call it a night soon.

bm gets her mb

So, I can’t get off of this new computer. This is going to be QUITE the hindrance to any sort of forward progress. I need to stop. I realize that it’s not necessary to video chat with people who reside in the same city as myself. I guess that’s the first step.
Thanks to my major, I was granted the chance to watch the inauguration during class, albeit on a less than perfect internet connection linked to none other than abc news (as the others were quite clogged). With snow in NC and obviously this huge day, I only wish I had booked my trip two weeks later. But of course, there is that whole ‘class’ thing. OK it’s time to get back to work (I know, who am I kidding?)
More later.

holy moly.

As much as you can miss one thing, it’s absolutely amazing how completely another aspect of life can fill you. I’ll explain.

I miss Costa Rica. A lot. I miss the simplicity, I miss the freedom, I miss the adventure, I miss Roberto, I miss my family. I miss almost all of it. More than I thought that I was going to. But at the very same time, it’s stunning how much at the same exact time, I can be so very happy to be back here in college-ville. I love the people that I am surrounded by. I love the classes that I have far too much to do for. I love walking around campus and town and seeing people that I know. I’m beginning to see how terribly difficult the next few months are going to make my departure (as well as those partings from so many of my best friends). With some ending up in New Jersey, Maryland, D.C., Tampa, Texas, California, I feel like all we’re doing now is prolonging the inevitable. I mean, sure, I’m also finding far too many reasons to pull myself away from my work and spend too much money eating out/going out; but everything seems to have this giant ticking watch, or better yet, an hourglass. I know I’ve been incredibly lucky with the people I have found around me as of late, the types of people that you don’t really find too often. We’re all just about to toss our dice and no one really knows where anything is going, what is going to come about in the next few years, and as exciting as that may be, it’s also terrifying. It’s also the reason that I don’t WANT to attend that party with no one I know that well, how much I’d rather sit on my couch, bundled in sweatpants, drinking a Mimosa and watching trashy television with the other BM. A very strange internal dichotomy I am faced with. Very strange indeed.

So a few weeks ago, a friend of mine made a comment about a female body that was “attractive.” I disagreed (inwardly, of course). And for a good bit of time, my mind was spinning and trying to unravel how two people, however similar, could see something and have such opposing viewpoints. I will say, he was a guy and I’m obviously not. Then I thought a bit more and a bit more until I had revelation number one. I finally understand why, in general (and I stress this), guys are attracted to some, certain, female body characteristics, or at least, why women are not. As a female I don’t base judgements of the opposite sex purely on the physical, but I mean, it’s there, obviously. So, in general, when I think of the times that I’ve been most attracted to a guy, his physical looks do play into it a good bit. In general (again), the ‘harder’ the appearance of the body, the more streamlined (not big, bulky, muscle-y guy) and strong, the more initial attraction I have. (Until they open their mouths, which in too many cases turns out to be a huge mistake.) Then, when I think of a girl I would find attractive, I think of the same qualities, a very toned, in shape, non-curvaceous woman with a structure, when analyzed objectively, very closely mimics the appearance of a male figure. Suddenly it became clear, and I don’t know why it never was before; but that is why as a girl I think that the most attractive girls, the girls I am “jealous” of, tend to have that body type. I am somehow reaching for the appearance of what I should actually be looking for in the opposite sex, not for what I see in my reflection. This is definitely a huge turning point. Because from here, I am able to see why my ex-boyfriend got mad when I lost a bunch of weight, when I lost my “curves.” I have always been subconsciously trying to attain a body that is actually only attractive to me, not necessarily to those of the opposite sex. (Of course this is a generalization, I think I have some beliefs about the homosexual leanings of human beings that allow for them to be attracted to the body type typical of their own sex. But “in general.”) I think this discovery may ultimately lead me to complete one of my New Year’s Resolutions. I hope.

And on that note, it’s into the shower and back to the books.

Oh and wow. Yesterday, Post #100.

pb?

So I’ve been vegetarian for two years. Always fun trying to explain to people why I am one. I’m not a huge PETA person, I promise. It has little to do with some sort of animal activism, though seeing some of the slaughterhouse footage is a bit disturbing and only enables me through some of my moments of weakness. Anyway, that’s not the main concern that drove me to eat vegetarian (well, “pescatarian”) It was the lessons taught to me in “Man’s Food,” one of those great ‘rocks for jocks’ type science classes that basically just fulfill the gen-ed requirement for the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences. I am not a whatever-side-dominant-brained individual that allows me to think “scientifically”, and therefore my ability to understand the higher levels of scientific thinking is VERY limited. I am not ashamed to admit this. I’m rambling. So back to the meat thing, I don’t eat it because of the diseases and the treatment of the meat itself (including hormones etc.) that I feel are best left out of my body. (I realize that EVERYTHING has chemicals at this point, but I can’t not eat, and I love seafood too much.) The biggest concern was the food-borne illnesses that are the main cause of food poisoning these days. I couldn’t handle learning about E-coli and salmonella, and all of the others. It disgusted me. So on Christmas Day, sitting there with the beautiful spread of food (of which, ham and turkey was the center) I decided to pass on the meat from then on out. The reason I bring all of this up now is the fact that I again have to run from these potential illnesses from none other than my one, my only, my beloved. Peanut Butter. I am absolutely addicted to it (though I wish I weren’t) and now I am being told by the FDA to avoid it. Granted, I can still buy my PB from Publix that they grind themselves (or better yet, Fresh Market, but it’s oh so overpriced), but as far as mass produced things that have that ingredient, it’s a “no no” until the root is found. Fantastic. I’m just saying, there is a big problem when a person has to avoid something that really should have absolutely NO contact with any type of meat or meat by-products. I’m just saying.

So I got accepted to another school yesterday. I have now heard from almost half of my schools. I should be ecstatic. And I am, except this school is way north and totally not somewhere I can necessarily see myself, but I mean we’ll see. I realize I’m being very picky, and that given the economic circumstances of this year, (thereby increasing the number of applicants, especially “diverse” ones that probably have work experience) I am very lucky to have so many “yes” emails/letters. I get that. But at this point, I know what I want to hear from a specific (never to be revealed) top choice, and until I hear from them it’s really just more of an “eh, ok” reaction. Again, I realize that this is completely selfish thinking, and even a bit pretentious. I will argue, on my behalf that I have worked perhaps unnecessarily hard to get to this place and thus deserve to react the way I do. But maybe not. Anyway, yay, another good word.

Mom finally convinced me, through money only, to apply to a school that I will not be accepted to, and wouldn’t attend anyhow. But I guess if she’s paying for the rejection filled letterhead, so be it. Oh well. Sigh.

I keep having nightmares, so much so that they even are waking me up at odd hours. I think it’s a whole readjusting thing because I experienced so many crazy dreams in Costa Rica at first. Most of them have to do with missed deadlines, chances, etc. This is weird because I’m never late and so it drives me even more crazy that it happens in my dreams.

I noted one positive change that was not previously mentioned, Southwest added at least two full rows of cardio machines. It made the Friday night gym trip much easier and I was glad. Although, that did mean an increase in the ano population, wherein the girls on either side of me probably could combine their total weight/body fat/etc to equal mine own. Heh. Oh well, nothing like good, old fashioned motivation. I really should know better than go to the gym on a Friday evening. Point taken, thin ones, point taken.

And finally, my lack of coffee in recent days has led invariably to a decreased ‘tolerance’ for caffeine. I had a double shot today and had the shakes an hour later. This is absolutely insane, but a bit refreshing as well, a welcome change from my lack of caffeine induced headaches of a couple weeks ago. I suppose it is possible to wean yourself off of something, no matter how unbearable it may be at first. I think I’m doing the same with chocolate, something I’d rather not be giving up, but like so many things in this life, is probably better for me anyhow.

 

Ha. Yeah right, who am I kidding, I love chocolate and I love coffee. And sure, addiction is bad, but anything in moderation, especially when they have proven positive side effects as well. Discipline is key here, not complete eradication.

the more things change, the more they change

It seems that the four-ish month hiatus I’ve just returned from has proved to affected much more change in this quaint (?) college town that I could have imagined. New grocery stores, some gone (ALBERTSONS!), a new addition to the stadium, a missing coffee establishment, a new sushi place, completely re-floored gym as well as a change in the lockers of said gym, old bars closing (sidebar), new ones opening (don’t get me started), all in just four months?!

I wonder if these same sorts of changes have occurred to myself, unknowingly. As gradual change goes unnoticed until you’re greeted head on by the differences that weren’t so different before.

I do miss Costa Rica, many friends talking about Spring Break there, which isn’t a great idea given the recent earthquake which has left many of the roads in disrepair. But still. I think it would be fun to go back and show people. Or would the magic be gone? I truly don’t want to spend money to travel to a place I know so well, just yet. A large part of me really doesn’t want to take a traditional Spring Break at all. As last year’s “Panama City 08″ was really … interesting. But, maybe this will change. I don’t think so though. I want to see New Orleans, cities in Texas, in the West. I’d rather do something like that then spend it killing my skin a little more. (Who am I kidding? I realize I have wrecked my skin over the course of swimming-track-lifeguarding, but I realize this now, in my defense.) Seems so early to be thinking of my last Spring Break. But I guess it’s less than two months away, and gosh does time fly these days.

Taking an all expense paid trip for the first time in my life. Who’s excited? I am. That’s for sure. I mean, sure, I have no interest (really) in pursuing this, but you just never know, and really I never could turn down something that was free. Especially when it involves a plane!

Going to be absolutely frigid this evening, tipping into the teens. This directly translates into an early night for myself. The crowd seems to all have their own favorite ‘happy hour’ in this town these days. I see its draw, its appeal is definitely like a gravity.

But, in lieu of that I head off to that newly refurbished gym that will probably annoy me to no end as it will of course, be packed. But alas, I will try anyhow.

Macbook next week. So very stoked.