no more

So far the weather has been more than expected. Warm temperatures enabled me to drive, windows down (radio obviously blaring) through the streets/highways all day today through Carrboro/Chapel Hill/Durham. Along the way I found out that quite possibly one of the most immature people that I know is not only married but also having a child. As per the usual, this revelation has me thinking.

You think, well I’ve always thought, that the moment when  huge changes take place would be giant and monumentous, life changing instances that allow you to ensure that you are ready for such a step as marriage and babies. Maybe not. Maybe just like the perfect school, perfect job, perfect man, these are just figments, creations of our hestitationist culture. I realize that this is probably not a word, but I really think it’s in existence in the U.S. What else could possibly explain the whole abstinence movement? At any rate, I can’t remember the last time I felt like something fit with all of my heart, well maybe those certain jeans I wore a few summers ago, but even those weren’t a natural occurrence. Nevertheless, I’ve put up this filter that softens or cushions any sort of jolt before it’s able to reach me anyway. I need to uninstall these damn airbags.

On that note, was contact by my first *and probably only* Ivy today, yesterday, whenever. What a feeling. Sort of. Ha.

I got to speak in Spanish tonight about Nicaragua and Costa Rica and I’m as happy as a clam about it. I never could have imagined how large the impact of that world had on this exploding mind.

It’s so strange. Sometimes I feel like my brain is just floating waiting for something to strike and cause this huge thunderstrike of inspriation. At others though, I feel as though it’s a fish trying desperately to track down all of the little morsels of food being sprinkled at the top of the aquarium. Not so much lost, as just completely overwhelmed and dizzy. And exhausted, of course.

Trying to play pretend for the next week. Try and place myself in the shoes of all these different people, in different places. And most of all, find my fit. No one knows where number one is, and that shall remain a mystery, but I think that this role playing is vital to my perceptions of these places.

out of sight

So I left again this morning. Circa 4:45 dragged myself from the air mattress to attempt a shower. Airport by 7:00, no thanks to an almost wrong exit that would have taken me far into the unknown had I not swerved back between the cones. Good thing it was early on a Saturday. Dad surprised me at the airport and met Mom and me for coffee, which is always nice. A good shot of espresso with the folks before leaving them again. We sat at the same table that we sat at before departure for San Jose. Nice twist, I think. I made a comment about the number of times we will be sitting there pre-flight in the upcoming years. To which Mom responded that I may not be flying to law school. That is called denial. Anyway, after a quick run through security (learned the lesson with the boots last time, flats made this much easier) I was seated in a nearly empty plane headed out of the beautiful 80 degree weather in peace. Well there was that baby crying, but that’s what those new soundproof headphones are for (thanks ‘rents, you were right). So I guess I saw the sun for the last time in a while, and therefore hoping the mood doesn’t take a nose dive, there is a very integral link between me and those bodies up there, and clouds play a major role in severing this. We’ll see though. After driving Michelle to work, I continued to her very cute place in Carrboro, it’s tropical, maybe a little young for us now, but was bought and decorated her sophomore year, so to be expected. This is what happens when you displace tropical kids in the Atlantic seaboard. Immediately upon entering (oh high five to me for not getting lost on the way) I realized the type of house guest I am. I cleaned the place. Well, I cleaned the kitchen, reorganized and dusted the living room, and straightened the bathroom (didn’t touch the bedroom, I do know where the lines are drawn). I didn’t realize this little cleanliness thing about myself. Though it was necessary before I could even bring my things up, much less kick back and enjoy my book. Much anticipation for these schools I will be seeing, nervous too as I’ve only gotten the go ahead from 1 of 4, and that’s dangerous judging by the beauty of the campuses.

I was right and I need to learn to stop second guessing myself. It’s so typical, I get directions somewhere, and after a little bit I’ll start to contemplate if maybe I’ve made a wrong turn or something and just before I’m completely positive that I am lost, the sign of my destination will present itself. Brother came home. I knew he was, I really do have intuition when I let myself. I knew it. And it was done in the best way, as he and my dad have never pulled off a surprise so big. Mom cried. Obviously I didn’t, but I was definitely happy. But he pretty much drove me up a wall before I left this morning, so I guess the trip was a success. Feeling a bit guilty for having left so soon, in my defense I didn’t know he was coming. Also in my defense is the fact that I needed to get out of the port regardless of familial situations. Love the parents, more than anything. But can no longer live with them to save my life. Even if their high def. t.v. shows 90210 reruns all the time.

So very proud of myself for my show of self respect and strength this week. In as much detail as I care to disclose here, I finally put to rest that which has been so tightly wound around myself. I did it as graciously and gracefully as possibly. Awkwardness inevitable, nonetheless. Still, though, I think I made my point. Additionally, all in all, I made a productive week of tying up loose ends and cutting the excess where needbe. Efficiently killing two birds with the same figurative stone. Another high five for Brittany.

And with that, I am off to delve deep into the newest novel I’m reading. To sink myself, toes gently tucked under cushions, into this couch until the time comes to retrieve Michelle and maybe a new pair of jeans, from the mall.

Welcome to North Carolina, naked trees and all.

totally.

I. Totally. Called. It.

And just on schedule. Good thing I don’t have to maintain my strength but for six days.

veiled.

Another chance, another reason to be excited. Over the past week I have been offered more money than I have ever seen in my life simply to be a part of a couple different schools. Interesting really, though the money still doesn’t draw unless it becomes absolutely necessary. Still thinking that the happiness will come when the time is right. Maybe it will be like love at first sight, or there will be some magical feeling within my heart of hearts. Or maybe not, and I’ll end up playing eeny-meeny minee mo.

I experienced one of the most beautiful and cathartic moments (hour) of my life today. My run took place very early, before the sun rose. As I bounded out of the driveway headed west towards the beach, the fog was set low and masked even the bridge not a quarter mile from home. As I rounded the roundabout just near the shore, the fog was nonexistent as I made my way back eastward. Then I was able to see as the sun, just a tiny semi-circle in the horizon was completely veiled by a thick sheath of fog and mist (and hopefully not smog). It was an uncanny and foreign feeling to see the entire outline of the sun as it ascended into the sky, being able to stare straight at it through the covering that resembled a frosted glass. Strangely the sun sat in the center of an hourglass shaped glow extending upwards and downwards. Behind the misty drape of the hanging moisture particles, the sun seemed more like the planet Venus or some other unknown planetary body invading the morning sky. That is, of course, until it ascended past the fog and illuminated the sky in the brilliant orange and goldenrod only found at sunrise. I couldn’t help but get a little metaphorical when it came to the stark change between the camouflaged sun and its clear, and shining brilliance that followed only moments later.

I’ve slipped right back into the point where I feel myself veiled from most of the world, experiencing every situation through a mist that protects me from any shocking blows but also insulates me from true enjoyment. I find myself distancing myself from almost every major aspect of my life mostly without realizing it. Not only taking a step back from my unabashed honesty and confidence, but also subconsciously placing the security blanket between me and any potential form of extreme feelings or situations. Though, just as the sun escaped that veil, I feel that it will be possible for me to do the same, if only at the exact right moment. It was an absolutely breathtaking this morning, and I would have held onto it all day given the chance.

Decided a couple days ago that being called level headed or being told that I had a ‘good head on my shoulders’ is just as much a backwards compliment as being told you have a ‘womanly figure.’ And I don’t like it. Though, of course, I’ll never respond that way to the ones who refer to me in that way. A simple ‘thank you’ I suppose will have to suffice as a result of unnecessary yet necessary manners.

Wall-E came out on DVD. I need to get that movie. Speaking of which seems as if the box office has a whole cornucopia of great movies to see. Eastwood, Pitt, Vaughn, Wilson, and my personal favorite Penn. I can’t wait.

Goody goody gumdrops. PAN’S LABYRINTH. All for now, ta ta.

airborn failure.

Darn it. I’m sick. This is bad enough considering I’ll be seeing my kid cousins this weekend. Worse still, that Christmas is in a week. On top of that is my ten day trip northward, where it’s even colder. I hope I’m at least better by the National Championship. I knew I didn’t trust that airborn stuff. Darn it.

I knew I didn’t like Emanuel based on the little bit I learned of him upon being appointed, but now I really don’t like him. Politics is a very weird, malignant disease I think and it really saddens me. Makes me wish more than ever that I could’ve lived about 230 years ago rather than now. Of course, I’d also be wishing to be a guy due to the utter absence of equality, but still. I guess I’ll still live in my fantasy world thinking that positive, scandal-free, public policy is possible, somehow.

Seems that my inclination was wrong, and that actually brother wont be coming home for Christmas. Bummer. Again. It’s an incredibly foreign feeling to wake up on Christmas morning without your kid brother there. Mom is certain that I’ll be the one missing Christmases when the time comes that I have a family etc. etc. She’s probably right too, sadly.

Decidedly Mexico has a good idea when it comes to debating things in the legislature, if you haven’t seen it, there was a huge brawl on the floor yesterday.  Apparently during some heated debate about a new construction project, but the reason is really irrelevant, more important is the transparency of it. (Something we could use, I would say, here in the U.S.) Maybe if we changed things to the way they used to be, with Senators  and Reps drinking on the Senate/House floors, respectively, then maybe, just maybe, things would get done. Then again, maybe not.

Barack Obama: Time Magazine Person of the Year. Shocker. If he doesn’t start coming clean about this whole corruption situation of his home state, I’m going to start being less approving than I have been. I also, however, wish that people would take him down from the pedestal that he has been placed upon. Otherwise, I am seriously frightened that he is going to be a letdown if people assume him to be able to be as sterling as he is has been presumed to be up until this point.  

I literally haven’t needed a jacket but once since I returned home. It’s really hard to remember that it’s Christmas already when the weather outside is in the eighties and sunny. But on that note, just a week left!

same story, different day

One of those days.

What can you do when someone points out to you your worst characteristic? Moreover, what about when that person just happens to be your mom? Even worse still though, is the real conundrum you’re faced with when you know she is right, and that it is true. I am the type of person who realizes the mistakes I am making just as soon as they are happening, but usually do absolutely nothing to stop them. Terrible, really. Then for days I focus on it, my mishap, whatever it may be, while running from it all the same. The running, sprinting rather, is only from the very truth that I am too weak to face. On the upside, she did say that this characteristic, which has the biggest negative impact on my personality, will be the biggest asset in my future. Isn’t that grand? I’ve always been one for efficiency, there’s just one more piece of proof. Good for me. There really is no one to blame, that is besides myself, but at the same time I can’t even really do that. I suppose that there are all of the little external forces that have solidified this specific part of my being, but I can’t be sure that they actually initialized it. I could be melodramatic and blame it on that tiny space of time when I was no one, literally, but that probably is just an easy way out. Like those premade escape routes out of awkward situations, the ‘get out of jail free’ card, or what have you. Or I could just chock it up to being a part of my personality, unseparable, like a breeze is part of the wind. With as much as I am able to control about myself and my life, it really shakes my core that I am unable to change this part of me. It’s unfortunate.

oh brother

I can’t seem to figure myself out.

I can be so excited, so optimistic for others and when it comes to myself I can’t. Not to say that I don’t appreciate or feel pride for my accomplishments or whatever I should call them, but it just doesn’t seem to make me as happy as everyone seems to think it should. Of course this only leads me to question pretty much everything. Which in turn, leads to a terrible downward spiral that I can hardly bring to a halt. Maybe it goes back to the whole hope vs. fear of rejection. Maybe there is that underlying belief of mine that if I don’t get myself too worked up about anything, then I wont be let down if it doesn’t come to fruition. Of course the flip side being that I never really allow myself to get worked up or too hopeful, about anything. Again, this is true only when it comes to myself. Maybe it’s a result of the expectations I put on myself, or those from others, or the mix of everything all together.

Anyway, result being that as content as I am with the things that I ‘achieve’ I can’t say anything more than that as far as my feelings. God knows that if whatever it is has the opposite outcome, my reaction is much different.

On another note, I bought a dress for under 3 dollars today. As soon as I bought it I couldn’t stop thinking about why exactly it is, or how exactly it is, that I could possibly purchase something for such a low price. Then the guilt set in. It felt good for about a minute and a half though.

Hoping like never before that brother comes home in the next few days. If there ever was a secret to my life he would be a major contributing factor, but I just feel like he needs to be here this year.

Just like the pages of my book the other day at the beach, time seems to be flipping past while I get no chance to see what is written on each page. Two weeks ago I was saying goodbye to some really close friends. In two weeks I’ll be in North Carolina, and sometime in between I will celebrate birthdays, Christmas and participate in the other typical ‘port time’ activities. I really should quit it with the countdowns, I think they only make matters worse.

Speaking of which 10 days until Christmas. (It’s a bad habit I just can’t quit.)

Oh and trying really hard not to get sick. Even if it means taking in that ‘airborn’ stuff that I don’t even think I believe in. I’d hate to be a bag a sniffles for Christmas.

another day

I can’t get myself off of this stupid website for law school admissions. It’s like the facebook of overachieving law school applicants, providing the information on the applicants, their application statuses etc. It’s driving me insane. Seeing the huge numbers of people who have already received decisions. My lack of patience is one of my biggest downfalls, and apparently I will learn it yet. I curse he who invented this stupid website though, this type of thing is exactly why I wish I lived back in the “old days” whenever they were. I am just glad that I did that whole process very far removed from the craze that is law school admissions at UF. Even during the game, our conversations and those around us kept floating to the subject much to my dismay. It’ll be all over, soon enough.

I read, or heard, recently someone who said you forget the things you want to remember and you remember the things you want to forget. It was reading, The Road by McCormac. At any rate, I think that this is true and it’s also false. I seem to always remember the best things and forget the bad things when I’m thinking about past relationships. I am pretty sure this is almost universal. However, when it comes to life in general, I think I agree. I thought for a very long time that if you forget about something, bury it beneath your good intentions and well, it just doesn’t work that way. I still manage to mask them most of the time, pushed behind the curtains like the spinach I hid when I was seven. Every once in a while a flash comes back, and then I deal with it the only way that I know how. It’s amazing how much the human mind can retain, easily accessible at points and also not.

On a different note, I think my brother is surprising us and coming home for Christmas. I know that this is dangerous, as he hasn’t said anything to any of us. Potentially, I could be more heartbroken in waking on Christmas Day without him here. All I know is that last year was the hardest holiday of all and can’t help but hope my inklings are correct (not that they usually are, of course). I just miss him.

I’m more scared than I’ve been in a really long time.

A very long time.

but i’m not the only one

Yesterday as I sat nibbling on little pieces of a few different novels, I got to thinking. (As I am want to do).

I was sitting, face to the wind on the beach. And when I say wind, I don’t mean a light ocean breeze (which really is a gulf, anyway), but I mean the kind of angry, whipping wind that blows without pause as if its trying to prove something. The kind of wind that used to make wearing track suits a lot of fun, or better yet taking the corners of your towel at the beach and making the coolest parachute/cape until your mom got mad because you were whipping sand all over the place.

Anyhow, this wind kept trying to take hold of my pages and flip mercilessly through the book I was attempting, in vain, to read. At long last I gave in to this overwhelming blast and just let be. A few gentle sights greeted me whence I chose to lift my eyes from the words of the page. A few elderly couples sharing seemingly difficult strolls down the sand, one very old but very in shape man leaving the most assuredly frigid water (despite the 85 degree weather), and my blue beach cruiser lying lazily against the sign reading “No Bicycles Beyond This Point.” I always have been a fan of irony.  Anyhow, I was listening to Lennon because I have sort of had him on regularly since I learned that this past weekend was the anniversary of his death. One song in particular really catches me, of course, Imagine, how can it not. And so, in the way that my mind draws it’s pathways together, I begun thinking about my own idealism.

After that personality test, apparently I can’t deny the fact that I am essentially an idealist. *Which, is not such a bad thing, I will argue to my grave.*

I think it’s a pretty rare thing to look around at this dust covered world and see in it the perfection or near perfection that is possible. But at the same time, I think that if one looks around, really looks, they will see the possible and brilliant beauty that surrounds us all. I think that thankfully, the past four months have given me an illuminated perspective that many are not so lucky to have, which perhaps lends a hand as to why I find it so easy at the current time to look at all the bright that the world has to offer while seeing so little of its grays. I worry about how clouded this perspective may be at this time next year. I know how wrapped up in school, performance, grades and success, I can get. And I worry.

Then in worrying, the thought of wrinkles crosses my mind and the fact that my license wont be expiring until I am thirty knocks me in the face all over again. Truly an endless cycle.

A few things that really caught me in my seemingly insignificant and unimportant trip around the port today. 1. The amount of friendly nods, waves, smiles that I received in substitution for the yells, honks, and gestures from a week ago (like the unforgettable: “Go back to your country. WHICH I will never so long as I live EVER repeat to another human being as it was undoubtedly the most isolated anyone has ever made me feel EVER). 2. How much I truly love the taste of dried salt on my lips that has been inadvertently placed there by the gusts of wind. 3. The welcomed sights of so many memories for the past ten years. I have officially lived in New Port Richey *not counting being gone for college* longer than any other.

And so for now, I am going to go on ignoring the cruelty of the world, the awful sights that fill my mind and TV all day and night from the billions of people around this world. Appreciating, however difficult it may be, the simple good that is present and trying ever so much to cling to it. A wise friend said the other day that his argument against people who question his idealism is simply for them to name a person in history (or more specifically I think it was the nineteenth century, but I am pretty sure it can work for most of history) that made a real impact, that wasn’t a dreamer, an idealist of sorts. Although, I don’t think that my way of thinking necessarily needs defending. There will always be those cynics out there, I just hope I never am one.

I’ve got this thing and it’s bleeping golden

You have to love political corruption early in the morning. Family from Illinois made it quite clear to me a long time ago just how corrupt their state is politically. I mean, a of all, did he honestly think that he would get away with something like this? I suppose that he must have, and probably only due to past successes. I hate politics. This is a pretty good way to understand what’s going on: http://www.thedailybeast.com/big-fat-story/2008-12-10/six-degrees-of-rod-blagojevich/

Can’t believe it’s taken this long to decide whether or not to bail out the auto industry. Not that I really understand where this money is coming from or how it’s going to be paid off over the years (or whether or not I really even agree with these massive chunks of change being handed out), but it seems pretty astounding that the entire industry would crumble while Washington and the rest of the country watches. I mean, they give all of this money to banks and insurance companies *I will never understand HOW an insurance company like AIG could possibly have lost THAT much money* but they doubt whether or not to help the big three. Confusing.

I feel like I did waiting on the letter from UF all of those years ago. Although  I know the chance of finding out about school before the New Year is very slim, I cannot help but go to the mailbox everyday as soon as the truck arrives.

HAHA Laugh of the day: Joe the Plumber is lashing out about McCain. He says he felt “dirty” on the campaign trail with McCain. That McCain wouldn’t answer his specific questions about the 700 billion dollar bailout. How funny. (Needn’t mention that he says that Palin was the “real deal” *emphatic eye roll*).

It’s been about 70 degrees everyday. Beautiful.