just like that

This is weird. I really have never in my life become so close to so many with the end only to mean not seeing them for at least a very long time, if not forever. A very odd feeling when I actually mull it over, as I have been doing this entire weekend.

A year ago I was introduced to the idea of coming here, at the time the program was supposed to be through a professor of mine and it seemed really interesting. So I made it my resolution to make sure that I was here by Fall. And I was. Leading up until that August day of departure, though, I did not give much thought to actually being here. Beyond figuring out what I would need and worrying about language, I really was not focused on the actual essence of what I was embarking upon. I did not come with anyone that I knew, I did not expect or really even desire to make friends, and I really had absolutely no thoughts about the family whose home I would live in. Now, as I pack the last of my things in my giant suitcase, ready once again to move my life, I am filled with some of the most foreign and indescribable feelings. With the group there have been those who I have shared good times, others whom have become some of my closest friends. Then there is my hostbrother who has literally become one of my best friends. And as a result tears well every time I realize that I wont be sharing anymore into the morning conversations sprawled on the leather sectional upstairs.

It’s a weird thing to think I came here knowing that it would only be temporary and thus made a subconscious choice to put myself through this much pain, or whatever it is. That being said I know that I will still be in touch with many, buying Skype for Roberto and having friends in New England already will make it that much easier. However, given what I have learned here it’s very difficult to say goodbye.

That being said, my liver is hating me now. I couldn’t be more excited about the one win standing between the Gators and the National Championship. I’m nervous as hell that my suitcases are both going to be over 50 lbs.

Dangerous, spinning, weaving unknown,

Dripping, sipping, wishing alone.

Where do you go

And what do you do

Between the limestone and the wall,

Of course what may seem may not be at all.

Limestone to opal or maybe more,

That hard place not wall, but a door.

He says go and she’ll say stop,

Like bombs, or moods, words they drop.

As the empty wind blasts past,

The empty looks, words they cast.

To the shadows of the night,

No one will ever be right,

Until the reason, hesitation takes flight.

Can’t make up my mind if I am ready to leave or not, ready to face all that I left behind, and even the things I didn’t.

Has been raining all morning, don’t think it would be right to have my last weekend not mimic so many of the weeks I spent drenched in this country. Though, heavy rains on Sundays make me want to crawl into an already warm bed like so many songs.

surreal

It is official. I am going to law school next year. Granted, I have only heard back from one school, and I don’t want to go there, but the safety net has been erected. Weirdest feeling. Wishing a little bit that I had had my mail forwarded to a P.O. Box instead of home because Mom has taken upon herself to open all of the grad school related materials she gets, including this acceptance letter. So it was mentioned nonchalantly during the Thanksgiving conversation. I mean she knows I don’t want to be there, so maybe that is why. When I hear from the big ones I can only hope it will be more of a to-do. I guess it’s time for me to stop talking about what is to come as if it might not. Hm this is very strange.

Next up, analyzing the whole process that happens when you drink (too much). Wednesday is in my top 5 of nights in Costa Rica, unfortunately I don’t remember everything, and I was almost literally unable to face our professors yesterday in class. (Thankfully they laughed everything off.) The wine was a dangerous deal, and the music was just too good. A couple observations. 1. I hope in my life I find something to do that brings me as much pleasure as those guys have when they are up there playing. It was fantastic, their charisma lit up the restaurant. and 2. I can no longer say that only tequila makes me do the unthinkable.

I am very saddened by the goings on in India right now. And I am also very annoyed at the way it is being covered at least on CNN. I don’t know why but the little animations that they invent for their news stories like this one, really bug me. The whole idea of it is just odd and makes me mad. They do it for all of the major natural disasters and ongoing stories but it’s just, I don’t know. They bother me.

Started to watch Chocolat last night (fell asleep of course) but I COULDN´T believe I had never seen it. Definitely rentable upon return.

Nervous to say goodbye, I really am no good at these things. But so excited to say hello, talking to the family (including my dog) yesterday was too hard, but my dinner of tortillas and rice and beans at least made me feel like it was no holiday at all.

final

Last day of class (as long as music is cancelled as result from tonight’s dancing.)

First off, I am really starting to despise the media moreso than I ever have before. Before, they highlighted Obama’s lack of experience in whether or not he would be able to take over at day one. Now, they spend their minutes commentating on how he is acting like president already and has some 55 days before he takes office. No más. I think I am going to officially switch to BBC. Except of course for morning Joe on MSNBC because I am a sucker for their liberal swing on that station. And even though he has a turkey neck, Joe Scarborough is for some reason intriguing to me.

Costa Rica is experiencing the most rain in many a year as I type this. Usually November signifies the dry season of summer, with much sun and much wind. Instead it’s cold and pouring day in and day out. I like to think it is because Costa Rica is crying about the fact that I am leaving. I will not let myself think otherwise because that will just bring me down. I rest assured that I will be enjoying the sun drenched skies, however chilly it may be gulf-side, in less than a week.

Singing out loud. That is something I cannot wait to return to. Radio too loud in my little Nissan, windows down with nowhere to go. And best of all, gas is like halved due to our crumbling economy (think silver lining) and thus I can truly meander about without fiscal concerns. Somewhat worried that Mom is going to be all too hurt by me wanting to leave the port for the SEC championship not four days after getting home. So we will see.

Everyone is the same. That is a little nugget of wisdom that has been imparted on me through this short voyage. The whole world, so much seems different but really it’s not. It is all the same mix of love and hopes and hates and sadness and desires and wishes and it’s all just exactly the same.

oh martes

For some reason, Tuesday has become a favored day of mine, no clue why.

Had probably one of the most delicious meals of my life tonight. Thai Coconut Curry Fish with Asparagus and Mushrooms (every word deserved capitalization). Along with a Chai Tea (Frio) and a Plato de Bananos Fritos con helado. Seriously, I´m still full and would eat it all again if placed in front of me.

Then bombarded at the bar, what will life be like when I am able to chill with my friends sin the interference of so many guys? Can now add Chinese to the list of my “you look like”. Beginning to think that people can see themselves in me or something, because I don’t see how everyone always thinks I am of their own nationality.

Anyhow, only one presentation, about half a suitcase, and three or four major outings left before I will make the 10 hour trek back to the motherland.

Oh and a trip to the beach apparently was just enough cut me off from the entire world . To think, I had no idea as to the Secretary of State choice. My goodness what a piece of news that no one cared to discuss with me! Really couldn’t be more pleased, well upon first glance, but as I delved into in my most recent research endeavor, things are not as simple as they appear. Oh how proud certain mentors would be of my realization regarding the axiom that he so drilled into our young and malleable minds. Making UF Poli Sci academia worthwhile one trifecta at a time.

I am quite sure very few will understand that last bit regarding the man who has shaped my education in ways that not even I yet know.

And with that, I do believe, it is my time to retire. Full bellied, I worry for the screen showings of the night, from what I hear.

this is not what i should be doing

Before leaving for the weekend, had the wonderful opportunity to hear one of the uplifting speeches by our sometimes music teacher. He is the preferred one as he walks in with that charismatic charm that makes the ladies swoon. He talked to us about love, life, families, work, and the whole bang, giving me a unique perspective about everything just before departure to arguably one of the most beautiful sites I have ever seen.

He left us with the words to the effect of, “Wake up each day happy, not necessarily the too much tequila kind of happy, but just the kind that makes you feel good inside. Go to sleep with that feeling. Do whatever you have to to make sure that you feel it because you can’t put your happiness off for another day since you don’t know if it will ever really come.” I know it’s cheesy, a little trite or something, but things like that really strike me. Especially on the eve of a completely unplanned excursion.

So without really sleeping that night, I left my semi-chilly casa for the freezing streets of San Pedro. Hailed a cab at about 5:15 and began the traveling. Initial bus ride that should have been 3 hours was 4 and a half. Then, in Liberia the next bus we needed that should have been at our arriving station was actually a bit down the road. Thankfully next one out was in just enough time to eat some gallo pinto and buy some disposable razors (from the chance would have it peddler at the station). By one we were there. Wherever “there” was. No signs, nor hotels we just decided to exit the bus and follow the road to the ocean. Luckily, again, along the way when I stopped to change, Glen the chiropractor, who used to be the tourist agent or something, directed us to the non-advertised cabins just down the road. Upon entering the gate, and being greeted by the lanky “Jose” we were shown to a cabin. Five thousand per person, per night said Jose, but there were no bed clothes. We were sold. Who needs sheets or pillows in mosquito and insect ridden cabins, iguanas chilling outside.  Beautiful weather, nearly empty beach, spellbinding sunsets, tasty drinks, family like dinner making, sandy winds, too clear water, rock filled surf little mermaid style, and an end of a bonfire on the beach with “tropical smores.” I really couldn’t have asked for anything more.

I realized a few more things this weekend that made it more worthwhile than the some $100 I spent. I actually think I know exactly who I am, not that it took going to the beach to figure it out, but I do know that sometime in between that 5 am departure from Tampa International Airport and going to sleep last night, that I figured it out. I’ve never been a conformist, I stopped pretending to be, feel, or act like something that I knew I wasn’t a very long time ago. But until somewhat recently I don’t think I knew who exactly I was either. With very few exceptions I do go to bed with a feeling of contentment, maybe that is why it takes me  less than a minute to fall asleep in most cases. I strive to go to bed each night having done and said all that I felt necessary, and even though I find myself in trouble as a result, I don’t desire to change that. I guess it’s fitting that i have this epiphany just before leaving, judging by the one I had just after getting here.

I did what I set out to do. I guess that is the point. I moved (however temporarily) out of the country alone, knowing no one, and really without knowing the language. I didn’t come looking for friends, but I made them, in some of the weirdest ways I feel. The people I have touched or who have touched me have become as much a part of me as this tiny place has. After doing things like this weekend, or even better, Nicaragua, I have proved to myself that I can truly make my way. I am by no means saying the fluency of Spanish is reached, not even close, but I can feel something similar within sight, which is a phenomenal feeling. I like that I can pick up a newspaper and at least get the general understanding of most anything that is in it, or listen to a conversation that is not mine on the bus and hear people talking about their own lives. I feel confident in so many aspects of myself that were weak before and while I do take a lot of the credit, I know that so much of it has come from the lessons I have learned, usually late at night, regardless of the location: at Ciros, or laying on the couch talking with the guy who’s become more than my host brother, oftentimes on the computer as well. When I got here I felt like my life was a series of loose sheets of notebook paper strewn about, no order or direction, just a lot of input scribbled from the hearts and minds of others. A series of processes that were being completed automatically just to fulfill the expectations I knew were resting on me. Somehow my eyes see clearer than ever and I can only appreciate the time that I have been given to stop the frame, take a few steps, hell maybe a long jog, away from everything only to wake up with the realizations that I now have. That, and of course the people, the mountains, the language, the culture, just about every experience that has become a part of me.

I hope I don’t forget what it sounds like when Gilberth sings in the shower, or when Ligia crosses me before I leave for school. I hope I don’t forget the sight of the mountains visible from the hill I live on. I don’t want to forget the man that sits on his porch and reads in his tie, or the older one a few blocks away sitting with his poodle who greets me every morning. I don’t want to forget the nice guy at the copy shop, or the twinge of nervousness I feel walking through the main area of campus knowing I am different. I hope I remember the security guy at the Spanish house and the lady that buzzes us in at the Environment building. I hope I remember the faces of the people who work at Brujas and El Candil and how good the pizza is at Monster Pizza. I hope I never forget how scary the sidewalks are, and how crazy everyone drives. I hope I remember how funny Spanish teacher David’s laugh is and how much I love the food at the Indian vegetarian restaurant. I hope that I can remember the feeling of feeling like an outsider, so that I never let anyone feel that way, no matter how foreign. I hope that if I ever see the hopeless look of a non-English speaker trying to get somewhere or do something, that I remember how hard it is, and help them. I hope I never pass on the opportunity to make new friends, no matter how different they are than me, or how much initially they may rub me the wrong way. I hope I’m never again dependent on a cell phone, knowing that I can do fine without it. I hope I never forget to keep learning. There are always more hopes, but mostly I hope that I no matter how much I have my eyes cast forward, I don’t stop seeing the periphery, or even in the rear view mirror, just for old time’s sake.

This should probably just be in my journal, as I obviously don’t really have anything of substance to the world to put down at this time, I think it just needed to be said.

I really should be studying the last of the verb tenses.

tis the season

Reflection and Introspection

One last opportunity to clear my mind, this weekend. Great trip.

hot water, hot ladies

made a larger impact on me than i ever imagined

I love getting goosebumps, I always forget how much I love it until I get them. (except when induced by icy cold water in the shower)

Almost December, month of possibilities. We have this door hanging calendar that we use every December from the 1 to the 24 with a little mouse that goes into a pocket for each day. I am the one who always gets to move the mouse and for that reason, I think that December has always been a little more special than all of the other months. I love Christmas season more than anyone I know and I really feel like there is something completely untouchable about the magic that seems to engulf December through to the New Year. I’m so very excited.

hace frio

As of this week, I know of 5 people who have been robbed/mugged in San Jose/San Pedro (and of those five, two have had it happen to them twice). This represents a remarkably high percentage as compared to the total number of people that I actually know in Costa Rica. I think it’s time to go.

Today is also 5 weeks until Christmas, hostbrother and I will be revisiting Love, Actually as this is the first day that it starts in the movie. That’s a bit much, I realize, but I do it every year, lucky for me I can share it with someone other than my dog this time around.

Oddly enough, had a dream two nights ago that when I left Costa Rica, I left behind all that I had not packed already (because I am a freak and already started). Clothes, books, shoes etc. The strange part was not the actual dream, but that upon mentioning it to the others in the group, at least four or five reported having the same one. We came to the very profound, allbeit obvious conclusion that while me all be ready to get home, we are not yet ready to leave, and when we do go, we will inevitibly be leaving part of ourselves in this tiny country the size of West Virginia.

Speaking of states, I can only hope that the Nebraska state law is repealed or rewritten today or tomorrow before anymore teenagers are left at hospitals. Absolutely ridiculous. I read that story about the some thirty kids who have been left at hospitals under the safe haven law, none of which were under the age of 10. In the same top news stories list, on the same day, I saw a story about how mothers in Pakistan are abandoning their children as a result of having no money with which to care for them. Not us, not in the U.S., if a kid misbehaves that’s it, they’re going to the hospital never to be seen again. I’m not a mother, and don’t intend on being one (regardless of the fate of gift giving superstitions) for a good ten years, but I had always learned that the love of a mother is unparalleled? Really? I must doubt this, or at least in these cases. I am frightened when I think about what could happen if the same law was passed in other states. Disgusting, truly.

Overjoyed at the four week later measurement at the gym.

Thought about how I wont be able to be learning anything just for the sake of learning it, after next semester. At least not for credit. Wondering if some of those applications should have been for dual degrees during law school, but suppose there are still a few more that I could include as a part. Either that, or my lack of a masters could be reason to return to school after law school? Is it a little disturbing that I am already considering how I will be able to get more education after recieving a J.D.? Probably, I just worry that being trained in a law school is a bit of a disillusioning process and that while I will certainly obtain tools to achieve more, I am not sure how I feel about the whole idea of being trained as opposed to educated. I need to stop.

el temblor de la tierra

So this is probably going to end up as one of my more funny memories of this trip, even though it was the middle of the night and I was alone in my tica bed.

After pilates, for some reason, my exhaustion was very apparent, and after a short conversation with Roberto I retreated downstairs for a little writing and a little Weeds (the show). After about 1 page in the journal, my eyes were burning and I decided to take a little nap. I slept through the night, of course. Well, except for about halfway through when suddenly my bed was shaking. Now, a normal person would just wake up and be confused, having no idea what was going on. Not me. I immediately thought, and I have no idea why, that someone was having sex in my bed. (Not with me, obviously) I was thoroughly annoyed when I opened my eyes and felt the bed sliding back and forth against the wall. The NERVE of these people, it was the middle of the night and I was trying to sleep. I rolled over to find only my half turned pillow. Then, realizing that the bed was unoccupied save for me, I jumped up, and in a semi-squat position looked all around my room to see who was shaking my bed. Finding no one, I decided it was safer in my bed so I leaped back under the covers, still very confused. Until I noticed that my unframed pictures from home were sliding down onto their backs, no longer propped up against the mirror on my dresser. Finally, I gained more awareness, hearing the doors shake in the house and realize that there was no billy goats under my bed or a horny couple next to me, it was an earthquake. I am pretty sure it lasted a few minutes and immediately upon ending I was back asleep. I had almost completely forgotten the mid-night incident until Mamatica asked me about it this  morning, I spent the entirety of breakfast laughing out loud at myself.

Coldest day in Costa Rica. So glad I bought that peacoat, turtle neck, boots and scarf. First day that I don’t feel as if I am sticking out like a sore thumb, although in the bright red of the jacket, I obviously am, but blending at the same time.

el te

What a weekend.

My last to be spent at home in San Pedro, went out like a bang. Thursday of course I was drowning by midday and the night went followed suit. Friday a bit difficult, but after $25 in baking goods, three hours and 8 dozen cookies later, I was just a bit tired. Ended with a revisit to a movie I really like. Saturday, after an exhausting gym session, a quick trek around the town to buy a gift for the parents-to-be, I found myself in a whirlwind of festivities preparation for a party of 100. If you’ve never been to a Latino party before, you are missing out. We prepared 100 baskets of baked goods, 100 cups of the cream beer mixture for toasting, 100 coffees, 100 empenadas, 100 plates of rice, beans and salad, 100 cups of arroz con leche, 100 second coffees, and 100 ice cream cups. These people know how to do it up right. Each time a new course was going out, the kitchen was a hurricane, with about 7 sets of hands grabbing, yanking, placing, and carrying away whatever it was that was to be distributed next. Then, each time I thought the storm had passed, and I would take a sip of my own drink, it was time for collection and for the whole process to start all over again. By the time the night was over I was too tired to stand, or so I thought at the time. I, of course, made friends with the an eleven year old, two seven year olds, and a four year old.

Oh, and then there was the gift. Apparently, if your gift is the last or the first to be opened, it means you will be the next to have a baby. Host brother’s was first. Mine was the last. I spent the remainder of the night either bright red or hiding out with the children downstairs as the family could not get enough of the jokes that were inescapable. Didn’t help either, when later, Roberto and I went out for the night. Which of course, leads me to the most interesting part of the weekend.

We went to his favorite bar, El Van Gogh. Really neat place with great decor, and better music. After promising me, we finally danced. I am sure I ruined his game for the night but it was a great time, and I will miss the music played at the bars here, and the dancing that is no where to be found by the uncoordinated gringos in the States. So nice not to feel like there is someone having a seizure next to, in front or behind you when you’re dancing. So very nice. Anyhow, the night only got better, when after I returned from the bar, the fantastic idea of going to a ‘nightclub’ was introduced. (Tico nightclub= strip club) I was stoked, much to the surprise of all. I finished beer number four and we were off. I can’t imagine a better way to end my last Saturday in San Jose than with a nightcap of a strip club. It was a little packed at first, which made it somewhat difficult to get a good view, but as the time passed we eventually got a spot on a couch. (Which ok, I did feel a little dirty about) Then, in typical Brittany style, I eventually began to nod off, slash sleep so deeply that there is now pictorial proof of it. I blame the tequila that put me over the edge. And for the subsequent conversation that it produced.

For the first time since being in Costa Rica, I slept in until almost 10 am on Sunday.

More Pirates, SERIOUSLY? I never realized how out of control this problem of pirating (not the music type, but real life pirating) actually is in this world.

I have had just about enough of UF putting made up holds on my account. And really angry that Society and the Sexes has been cancelled for next semester. Instead I get what, Jews in Medieval Spain?

Last night I had a dream that the Tallahassee legislature accepted my Honor’s Thesis for the blueprint to change the penitentiary system in Florida.

Thankfully, I have only 2 more of these dreadful Monday night classes.

2 Weeks until departure. Oh I really need to look up that ticket information.

you’ll never know

How can you hate

And how can you love

At the same time.

 

Deep, dark, red sea,

I can’t trust you.

The words that you give me,

doesn’t matter if they’re true.

 ————————————————

I promised I wouldn’t resent you,

Unfortunately I still do.

Heartbreak, baby, it’s never easy

Never fun.

So I’ll bring the bullets,

You bring the gun.

 

I let it happen, all of these years,

And I never let you see my tears.

 

I would start to leave, stars like holes in the sky,

You’d be the one, you always were,

You’d make it so hard to say goodbye.

 

The moments, they passed,

I guess, ok I thought it would last.

You’d press me gently against the door.

But don’t we always just want more?

 

The sex was good, so I stayed around,

Then, the reasons were nowhere to be found.

But when I say good, I don’t mean great.

Maybe it’s time; I guess it finally just got too late.

You keep the songs, the movies, bonfires, and poprocks too.

Don’t you worry, I will find something new.

 

I can’t help but laugh, it is sort of funny,

I gave you the chance, remember honey?

To get out, to cut and run,

But you were having too much fun?

Or was it weakness, was it fear?

Or was it because I was always there?