i’ll keep this wisdom in my flesh

After 14 months I think my Clarks are starting to die on me. Slowly, but still, the destruction from the torrential downpours, miles of walking is really starting to show. They’ve been such a great pair of flip flops, I don’t want to see them go. My toes perfectly indented in the right places, the cushion formed to the slight inside arch of each foot, they have proved to be the best pair of flip flops I’ve ever owned. I just need to make them last another 6 weeks until I can lay them to rest; but I will hate to see them go.

Had my measurements taken at the gym yesterday. Nothing like a set of raw numbers to really put life into perspective. Lucky for me, the gym guys have made it their goals to try and obtain gringas, so I get to use that to my advantage as the workout plan is created for me. In my defense, I warned him over a week ago that I only wanted to be friends. Thus, I shant feel any remorse for taking advantage of others. I doubt the time remaining will allow for a transformation that I desire, but just like anything, poco a poco.

Nicaragua rescheduled for next weekend; this weekend is a friend’s birthday and I feel like a total jerk for not realizing it. Friday we buy tickets, looking like a straight shot to Managua, then hop over to Granada for a few days before heading back to the Capital to return to San Jose. The friend that is accompanying me is just a little less sure of her Spanish than I am, meaning it will be my Spanish that navigates us through the trip. I’m studying, needless to say.

I think I made a huge realization, an epiphany of sorts yesterday. It is simply this, up until very recently I have always wondered, not understood, and been completely confounded by the male preocupation with the female, the body etc. It never made much sense to me, until recently. Thus, I have always had a hard time understanding why prostitution is such a huge enterprise, why women were and still are in many cases, exchanged for dowries, etc. In the book I’m reading now, about the Sudanese and their experiences of the past 30 years, the author talks about how women are worth upwards of $20,000 in cattle. These numbers seem astounding mostly because, or so i figure, I live in a patriarchal society that puts very little focus on the female in all realms of life. I think one of the major parts of me growing out of the girl I’ve always been, is to have come to this realization.  I’ve always idolized women who don’t even close to resemble what is truly beautiful about the female. I don’t and can’t blame this entirely on society, but having the mother that I do, I know that it isn’t a product of my raising. It is a weird place, to be caught in between the stages of life rather than within one particular one. I think that the results can be quite breathtaking, though. The perspective offered by not truly belonging or at least being displaced for a while allows for some of the more clarified, more true comprehension, awareness of those things that spin around us. I always saw some of the more delicate natures, features, and characteristics of women as being weak and something that I’d just as soon let go of or escape all together.

Now, it’s different.

I watch as my Mamatica ensures that her family is put together, that breakfast and dinner are cooked and served without fail. She winces in pain at the soreness of her aching back after a day of cleaning and washing, but all the while saying nothing while she prepares every dish from scratch. I used to inwardly groan at the (no matter how seldom) revealing of the emotional heartaches and pain of my own mother, seeing it in her a sign of frailness that I’d preferred to ignore, wanted not to be present. Some of these memories sting my conscious due to the severity with which I treated some of the most difficult and tumultuous periods of hers (and mine own) life. But only now, can I appreciate these things, seeing all of them with a new set of eyes, a new mind. There are these things that inherently separate the sexes. And for my late meeting of minds in this respect, I blame myself but also society.

I just keep reburning that which should have time to heal. I know the sun is dangerous, especially this far from home, from what I know. But the beautiful serenity it provides as well as the warmth and comfort that I seek, is far too much to resist. I feel my flesh slowly changing, a little stronger maybe. Glowing: and the glow is just too bright not to search out. I’ve been a lover of the sun for my whole life, and it has already provided me with the scars of near misses with danger, but I yearn for it and the simple pleasure that I derive, the sense of calm I receive from the soft sweat of it’s intense heat draws me forward. I think the enjoyment far outweighs the potential hazards of playing with something that so resembles fire.