musings of a creepy crab

Not too long since you last saw,

The streaming tears, the shoulders draw.

Inward always, back away,

Slower please, I can’t take back.

I can’t release.

 

I wonder if it is better or maybe not,

To walk, to grow, and let words rot.

But always, and again,

I march against, go too far.

Senses lost.

 

Soaring, flying, away; for me,

I retreat, hoping not to see.

Your eyes on mine, or mine on yours,

So backwards, tremble, aware of mind.

Everything hated: is resembled.

 

The bare skin, hot to touch,

My outward shield only a crutch.

Easy to hide, forever and today.

To try means what? to let go means less,

Never ever, unless different, somewhat.

 

Who will be the catcher of my windfall?

Spare me.

These musings of youth so called.

Grant me that.

I need not pity, need less shame,

Only truth by no other name.

 

 

 

 

 

hot skin

A friend said to me “I knew early on in being friends that you would always tell the truth.” By far one of the best and most appreciated compliments I have ever received. Sometimes my bluntness does not work to my advantage, though, and as much as I sometimes regret what I say, I have little to no ability to stop it as of yet. And I suppose if the end result is the aforementioned impression, well, so be it.

While watching the Ole Miss-Alabama game on Saturday (because apparently, much to my surprise and thrill, I DO get ABC-CBS-FOX, and thus can watch the major Saturday night college games) my papatico brought me a “cafesita” while I sat on the couch. It was wonderful, I cannot recall, except for when I was incapacitated back in 10th grade, the last time someone brought me food on a tray like that. It was absolutely wonderful.

Things that annoy me right now: ACORN, Joe the Plumber, Sarah Palin, emails from my family continued from the stupid chain letters about Barack Obama, his voting record and ties with terrorists, the sunburn in the shape of my wifebeater from yesterday´s race.

The destruction of Iraqi´s infrastructure is complete, something I suppose war is quite good at achieving. Apparently the doctors have all but fled in the past few years, leaving very few medical professionals to care for the sick. I swear clicking through the news is like a neverendingdownward spiral and unless I find my way back to some positiveabout the world, I end up starting the day with a dark cloud over my head like Eeyore. It´s a dangerous path, but I can feel it pulling the light from my eyes, from my mind. A Christian aid worker killed in Kabul. and so all I feel like I can do is click to some moronic story about how Long John Silver´s has created a new “healthy menu,” that Burger King has eliminated trans fats, or that KFC and Taco Bell have begun posting caloric counts on their walls. Will this be the cure to American obesity? I´m going to go with no, not until fast food ceases to be fast, cheap, and tasty (especially when drunk). I do hope that McDonald´s follows suit, I think people of the world deserve to know that the large chocolate shake is going to cost them more calories than any other menu item, including the burgers literally pouring grease and fat from the midst of their patties. Maybe the losing of hope is what ends up compounding all of these factors and leading to the conservatives and self-absorbency of most people (or many). Or, maybe it´s the continued naivety that leads to people being hurt, but that in itself could very well be the catalyst for the disillusioned and uncaring. And thus the cycle goes inside my head revolving over and over again, the revolving door that I  can´t escape, maybe only thrown from one to the other. There has got to be a way to really affect change, I haven´t quite figured it out just yet, but I will.

Ran the 10K in less than an hour (something like 58 minutes). I COULD NOT BE MORE PROUD. I walked up one hill, because as much as people told me that there were no hills, they lied, lied, lied. The last Kilometer was completely up hill, with every turn I got a little more angry (thankfully an emotion I can effectively channel) until I finally reached the aisles of the finish. As mentioned above, though, I am now suffering the consequence of an hour long race wearing no sunscreen and a white tank top. It looks so bad, and feels worse, my skin was so hot all night I didn´t even need my blanket (which is quite a feat in the damp coolness of the basement flat), I didn´t realize how pale I have grown in the recent weeks. Still can´t believe I did it.

Going to an organic farm with the class from hell today, so at least I don´t have to practice trying to pretend to pay attention while really playing freerice.com. It´ll probably rain throughout our entire visit, but I am used to it by now.

Also, today begins the plans for Banessa and me to trek it up to Nicaragua. Stoked is an understatement. Though Mom wont find out until after I have returned.

2 weeks until election.

6 weeks until I´m home.

I´m in love with a red peacoat and I want to go buy it, it´s only $100 but I´m still working on convincing myself that I am allowed to. I havecome up withseveral reasons (a. I´m going to Ohio and NC during Christmas break, it will be cold in both locales, b. I will be going to school more north than I currently do, c. I love peacoats, and true love lasts forever, thus I wont just forget about it after a bit, d. I don´t own anything red. I´m very good at rationalizing.) Speaking of love, I´ve decided that it is probably true that I have fallen in love before, but have never actually been in love. I think the clarification of the latter relies on the fact that the former does not necessitate that the other loves you back, while the act of being in love does. I mean, I fell in love with the jacket.