to see if i still feel

While the rain beats down on the corrugated steal roof above, more bad news tonight. I´ve had a few moments of weakness these past couple days, in which I desire nothing more than to be laying on my couch at home, head in the lap of my mom. Or sitting with mine own family, smelling the sweet, salty breeze whilst my dogs play outside. And now this. The world could be crashing down around me and I have nothing with which to hide except my own bare skin. It´s not thick enough, though. I can feel myself drawing inward, hiding the most precious, the most vulnerable from the scorching heat that threatens to burn. I know I was running in coming here, I was completely and fully aware of what and why I sought to leave behind. And now I struggle with the internal battle of whether or not I made a right decision. Of course, there was no wrong answer and I know that my time has been well spent, as I´ve learned and grown much more in the past 9 weeks that I could´ve possibly imagined. However, that weak part within the very barricaded depths of myself, questions, wonders.

I do think, though, that it is only the culmination of powerful outside forces combined with an internal reaction that make for our lives. It could be that my own reaction to the occurrences as of late have allowed my mood, my thoughts, my being to capitulate to them. I have, as per the usual, allowed for these feelings to crawl deep within, curl up and slowly captivate and frost that which should be warm. The crystals form and multiply, and before I know it, they have engulfed my being and only the slow warming of a gentle burning ember can possibly melt away the ice without causing the inevitable pain that comes from heating too quickly.

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that’s real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar’s chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I decided today that if I could have any superpower in the whole world, it would be mind reading. I watch as people go about their lives, boarding the buses, shopping for groceries, cooking breakfast. And through it all, I know that their minds aren´t blank. In fact, I am convinced it´s the complete opposite, if anyone is anything like me, I find myself more and more ADD when it comes to my thoughts than I am when I have a huge paper to write and my room seems cluttered. My mind jumps from idea to idea, from image to image, without skipping a note. It´s like the cartoon roadrunner (which I recently learned, much to my dismay, isn´t shown on TV anymore) wherein my thoughts race from one direction to the next leaving behind only a trail of dust that I can only hope to piece together eventually. Where did I put my keys last night. I´m hungry. What am I going to write about for Spanish. What is that noise. I wonder what is going on  up there. Did I finish that essay for my applications. Shit, did I send that letter of rec. information to Mom. How the hell did my jeans end up over here. What was I going to do. Wow, it´s a beautiful day out, maybe I should go for a walk. Oh right, I forgot I´m going to the mall in a bit. Oh no I missed church. Is that thunder. Will someone please make the dog stop barking. I need to do my eyebrows. ETC. ETC. ETC. At any rate, point being, I´d love to hear the racing of other minds, watch the crazy connections be made and the spiderweb of thoughts that is present within us all. Except children. Only because whereas I feel the need to withold some of the deeper, more probing and intimate questions and feelings, children have the freedom of expression only found half a bottle deep in a red sea. The spark of life that is present in their eyes is something magical, and though I can´t tell when it fades to the abysmal fear of being wrong, being judged, or being hurt, somewhere along the way it is lost. I am saddened for the children of the world who lose this all too quickly, or worst yet, those that never get the profound feeling of simply not fearing. I miss that girl I used to be, and I don´t know whether for the better, or for the worse, I can remember that warm summer day when it escaped me. And then the subsequent fall that stamped it out forever. But I do miss her, and find solace in the fact that she does tip toe back into being sparingly, giving me a brief glimpse of the bright and pure that once was.

And with that, I end this overwhelming feeling of powerlessness ranting that is this post.